[15:16] matociquala: Dear Author:
[15:17] matociquala: Thank you for sending us "My Bestest Story," but I'm afraid it's not very good.
[15:17] matociquala: We wish you luck in placing it elsewhere.
[15:17] matociquala: Sincerely, Elizabeth Bear.
[15:17] matociquala: We should do a blog thing on Honest Rejection Letters.
[15:17] cristalia: heee.
[15:17] cristalia: We should.
[15:17] matociquala: lemme reject this and we will. *g*
[15:17] cristalia: Dear Author: condolences on getting stuck in that paper bag.  I wish you luck in writing your way out within the year.
[15:18] hawkwing_lb: hee
[15:18] matociquala: LOL
[15:18] matociquala: Dear Author:
[15:18] matociquala: You write reasonably pretty, but this is dull as stink.
[15:19] hawkwing_lb: ...should you ever have occasion to reject anything of mine, Leah, please, send me that rejection.
[15:19] matociquala: Dear Author: The human body does not do that.
[15:19] cristalia: Dear Author:  Please to write with both hands on the keyboard.  I see that one creeping down to your waistband.
[15:19] cristalia: No, I am utterly serious about this.
[15:19] cristalia: Love, Editor.
[15:19] matociquala: eeeeee
[15:19] hawkwing_lb: :)
[15:19] hawkwing_lb: ick.
[15:19] cristalia: Dear Author: I watched the Twilight Zone once too.
[15:19] matociquala: Dear Author: That word does not mean what you think it means.
[15:19] matociquala: Love, Bear
[15:19] cristalia: heeeee.
[15:20] cristalia: That is for the heroine guy.  *g*
[15:20] matociquala: Dear Author: Your participles are dangling. Please tuck in. Love, Bear.
[15:20] cristalia: LOL
[15:20] hawkwing_lb: hee
[15:20] cristalia: Dear Author: When your writers group says they want more exposition about how this works, they lied.
[15:20] matociquala: Leah, in a curious coincidence, winamp gives me the velvet underground, Heroin
[15:21] cristalia: ...it was totally eavesdropping.
[15:22] matociquala: Dear Author: All your characters are assholes. Also, I am, pretty sure the vampire is going to eat the serial killer at the end. Love, Bear
[15:23] cristalia: heeee
[15:23] cristalia: Dear Author: I rejected this after one sentence.  It was all I needed.  Hang your head.
[15:23] cristalia: And best of luck with the piece elsewhere!  Love, Leah.
[15:23] matociquala: Dear Author: No. Love, Bear
[15:23] tanaise: Dear Author:  I didn't even need to read your story to know it was bad. Love, Me.
[15:24] matociquala: Dear Author: Not just no, but hell no. Love, Bear
[15:24] cristalia: Dear Author: Considering the list of markets that have taken your fiction, I am afraid that reading this attachment will give me some sort of genital herpes.  Thank you, Leah.
[15:24] matociquala: ow.
[15:24] matociquala: you just made me snarf Dogfish Head Raison D'etre.
[15:24] cristalia: My genital health is important to me.
[15:24] cristalia: heee sorry.
[15:24] matociquala: That is some kind of sin.
[15:24] matociquala: *g*
[15:25] matociquala: At least I didn't soak the laptop.
[15:25] matociquala: (that sounds dirty)
[15:25] matociquala: Dear Author: Three pages of italics is too much.
[15:25] matociquala: Love, Bear
[15:26] katallen: (one day the serial killer will eat the vampire)
[15:26] katallen: (what an amazing twist that would be!)
[15:26] hawkwing_lb: (serial vampire killers?)
[15:26] hawkwing_lb: (oh wait, we have those already)
[15:26] cristalia: Dear Author: I do not need to be educated on your politics.  I imagine if you speak like this to your children, they will grow into serial killer vampires and eat you.  Love, Leah.
[15:26] katallen: ::grins::
[15:26] hawkwing_lb: hee
[15:27] matociquala: Dear Author, I have been rejecting you since 2001, and I'm not seeing any signs of improvement. Please take up knitting.
[15:27] matociquala: Love, Bear
[15:28] matociquala: Dear Author, This one was better!
[15:28] matociquala: No, really!
[15:28] matociquala: Please keep trying.
[15:28] matociquala: Love, and I mean it, Bear
[15:28] tanaise: Dear Author:  Best yet!  But still not saying much.
[15:28] cristalia: Dear Author:  Pleasepleasepleaseplease stop doing that one little thing so I can give you money already.
[15:28] cristalia: I have been trying to give you money for years now.
[15:28] matociquala: LOL
[15:28] cristalia: Please.
[15:28] cristalia: Love, Leah.
[15:28] matociquala: Oh god.
[15:29] matociquala: Yeah, I have a couple of those.
[15:29] cristalia: It is with the gnashing of teeth.
[15:29] matociquala: Dear Author: Fix this, and I will buy your story.
[15:29] matociquala: Now go have a nervous breakdown in your blog.
[15:29] matociquala: And put Xs in my name so I can't ego-google it.
[15:29] matociquala: You think.
[15:29] matociquala: Love, Bear
[15:30] katallen: o.o
[15:32] matociquala: Professionalism is dead.
[15:33] matociquala: Dear Author: I feel sorry for your spouse. Love, Bear
[15:33] matociquala: Dear Author, when they said "confessional literature," they were not talking about confessing to mass murder. Love, Bear.
[15:33] cristalia: *g*
[15:34] katallen: heee
[15:34] matociquala: P.S. I have a restraining order.
[15:34] cristalia: Dear Author:  I'm sure if you found some undergrads they'd think you were very literary.
[15:35] hawkwing_lb: *protests on behalf of discriminating undergrads everywhere*

[15:52] tanaise: Also, I think we forgot "Perhaps therapy might be more useful than another story about how damaged your family is/made you."
[15:57] matociquala: Celia, and "Dear Author, honestly, all I want is a story that is interesting all the way through. Honest."