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bear by san

February 2017



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leighton pavonia

I've made a lot of mistakes in recent days, and I'm not proud of them.

I'm also not proud of any of the ways in which I've hurt anyone, or failed to rise to the opportunities presented me.

I've screwed up, in short, and because so much of how I've screwed up revolves around this blog, I'm tempted to abandon it, or take it offline.

That idea saddens me greatly, however, because this blog has been my major social outlet for going on seven years now. I've met many dear friends through it, and lost a few, and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do without it.

And I'm vain enough to think it's a pretty good resource.

So there won't be any deleting, or any drama.

I will, however, be taking my posts that lead to the current massive failure of communications offline, in the hope that it will be understood as the abject apology it is, for all my failings and the ill-considered things I have said. I cannot unsay them--but at least I can clean up the toxic waste I've left behind. Pursuant to a better suggestion in comments, I've simply comment-locked them. that will have to do for now.

I was wrong. I handled a lot of things badly, and I'm not interested in being defended.

Mostly, I'm just not interested in hurting anyone further than I already have. Especially the various people whose opinions I respect who have been devastated by this whole mess. It's been a nightmare from the start, and it seems that nothing I have done--explaining myself, keeping silent--has done anything but make it worse and more tragic.

And so I come to the Zen answer, which I see should have been my first response rather than my last one: "Don't just do something! Sit there."

I shall sit, and hope for the best for my fellow travelers, who I have harmed, and which harm I cannot undo.

Comments to this post are not moderated, but they are screened. They will be unscreened at my discretion, but if you would prefer your comment left for my eyes only, just note that.

With one exception, everybody I've ever banned from this blog--for any reason--has been unbanned. If you feel the need to hurl insults at me, I accept it, but I beg of everyone, be polite to one another.

ETA: It will be some time before I can continue maintaining comments on this post, so after this time, please do not be upset if it seems your comment has gotten lost in the moderating queue.


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Thank you for keeping on trying.
Even, or especially, if you have made mistakes and been wrong, it is a goodness to keep listening and being present and trying.
I am glad that your previous post was not your last word on this.
I rarely comment here, and I don't always read every post -- but I'm glad you're sticking around. You often have valuable and worthwhile info to share. Thanks for what you give!
I think that's a wonderfully written explanation and admission of fault. I admire you for writing and posting it.
Hi. You don't know me. I've never posted on your journal. I do not know what this is about nor am I seeking an explaination. I just wanted to let you: I do read it every day and find insight. You make my Internets better.

So, thank you. I hope whatever this is becomes better for you.
Thank you very kindly.

I am at peace, kind of. It's what's led me to this point.
No insults.

I don't think taking those posts offline is the best of ideas, though, given the fact that one of the many things this entire discussion has suffered from is parts of it disappearing.

Your decision, of course.
I am fairly sure that they have been archived elsewhere, and will be available, and I have no problem with them being made so.

Right now, however, it feels like the most sincere apology I can make.
I haven't really been following what's going on, as I hardly give much of a crap either way -- I like to read what I like to read. :D

Anyway. I did just finish Dust. It went WAY too fast. I wanted there to be more. So I'm looking forward to Chill, which is coming out soon, right?

Far as anything else goes... nolo te bastardes carborundum.
I only observed the sh*tstorm from the edges. I do know that in the short time you have allowed me into your on-line life I have come to respect you and many others, on both sides, who I have seen here.

The issue is one that has no right answers, no wrong answers, no clever answers. It only has human perspective which is tainted by things each of us have had to live with and face.

I hope that with time and distance people will look at both their own assumptions and reactions and learn something about themselves. My observation is that you have.

Thank you for choosing to stay.
I remember fog so thick
That you could take your choice
Of worlds.
Every shadow was a prelude
To something amazing.
All was obscured
By that soft embrace
And so,
Nothing was indelible.
I remember walking
Through the damp, white mist,
Knowing that laughter did not
Have a sharp edge
For there were no edges
Only a sort of blended shading
Like charcoal on yellowed paper.
My body did not make of me
A lummox,
Tripping over things half seen.
Everyone was blind.
I remember.
In the fog
We were all kin.
This is quite lovely.
I've completely missed who or how you may have harmed, but I just wanted to tell you that this blog really is a wonderful resource. For that - thank you.
Thank you for this. I hope it does more good than harm, and I hope a real armistice can arise soon.
I gather from some posts on various author LJs, including yours, that there is an ongoing controversy in the fannish blogosphere that I have managed to completely miss. In my own little corner of fandom, I’m just looking forward to Seven for a Secret and Chill and the second season of Shadow Unit, ’cos I liked New Amsterdam and Dust and the first season, and want to find out what happens next.

I get the impression that there may be some valuable criticism buried in the noise of the controversy, but I don’t consider myself qualified to sift through it (I’m a middle-class American white male and am probably doing quite well just to be aware that I’m ignorant), so I’ll wait to see what people who I consider to be calm and reasonable say about it when the dust settles. Meanwhile, my attitude on the whole matter is: I enjoy your books, and want to read more of them.

(It’s frequently the case that the voices that speak up on a controversy are ones that have strong opinions, and I thought I’d just speak up for the perspective “we’re here because we like good stories”. If pearls of wisdom emerge from this that help you hone your craft further, that’s great, but what’s important to me is that you already write books I like.)

Feel free to unscreen this, if you wish.

I know you don't know me, but I'm glad you're not leaving. One (of the many) thing I think I've learned from reading the periphery of this discussion is that we are all going to screw up. Everybody is. We're going to do it over and over again. We're never going to be perfect and we're never going to be Right, and it's the expectation of being, eventually, Right, that all of us need to get over, so we can figure out what's better than Right.

At any rate, though I have no place in the discussion, I am glad you aren't going away.
The funny thing was, that was what I was trying to discuss in the original post. Try, fail, try again, fail better.

I guess I proved it.
Thank you for not removing this outlet. I added you on here, though I've only read Dust, and want to read more of your work because of what I read here.

I don't understand how anyone has a problem with the things I'm suspecting are the cause here, because IMO, you've handled Teh Internets, and those issues, with great care and candor. I find it sad that people have to walk on eggshells in 'open' fora, and that people so often forget there's another human on the other end of the Toobs.

I guess I'm trying to express that it's not all bad, and thanks for not giving up on people?
I will probably not be able to change your mind but I can already tell you this: /removing/ anything at this point will not, neither now or much later when head have cooled down, be seen as you cleaning up the toxic waste. The way to clean up /your act/ is to add ETAs in bold on top of each post you would like to remove, directing to, say, this post here or another one created for the express purpose. Deleting posts after so much fail and hurt and after such a long and sprawling discussion+flamewar is always, ALWAYS going to be perceived as cowardly, clumsy attempts at revisionism. No way around that, imo.

If you're concerned with new comments getting made to the old posts, the technical way to get around that is to make each of these older posts only commentable to friends, AND to have the 'send comment notifications' option turned off.

No need to unscreen this.
Except for the part where it's excellent advice, and I shall be following it.
I agree that you've done some things wrong. I'm glad that you're apologizing and even gladder that you're staying.

Edited at 2009-03-06 10:03 pm (UTC)
That topic is such a hard thing to talk about, there's so many different people just waiting to jump on anything anyone says unless it's exactly what they would have said in exactly the way they would have said it.

It's important to talk about it, but more and more I'm thinking that one on one in person is probably the only safe way to do it. I'm not sure if that will be enough, but that may be the most that can be done right now, talking in private, in safe spaces, with few enough people that you can watch someone's eyes and face and posture and stop when you hit an uncomfortable point, so that they can speak and know, by looking at your eyes and face and posture, that you are really listening and are doing so with respect.

And I hate seeing someone try to do good and having to apologize repeatedly for even making the attempt, which is what I see happening here. We're all human, nobody is perfect, and getting published certainly doesn't make someone perfect. Hang in there.

And I hope you do not stop blogging here!!!
I'm sorry if anything I've said or done has made you feel full of fail. I love and respect you, and respect your right to speak and act as you choose. If I've said or done anything that doesn't match up with that statement, then I was wrong and a big doo-doo head.
Joining the 'you don't know me from adam' crowd, I'm happy you're not giving up this journal. I've enjoyed reading you very much, and I look forward to reading more.
I'm not going to speak on whether you were right or wrong. I will merely comment that people more accomplished than you have made bigger mistakes in the eyes of others and failed to take any responsibility for it.

Next time I see you, if I have one red cent to my name, I'll buy you a drink.
I am glad to see this post. I'm also very glad you're sticking around. However, I really think your critics are going to see the deletion or privatization of some of your posts as an attempt to make yourself look better or cover up rather than the apology you say you intend it as. I know you hate free advice, but I have to agree with juliansinger here that the best course of action may be to leave everything up and try to move on from here. Ymmv, of course.

I'm so glad you haven't decided to delete the journal.

I'm another person you don't know, and another one who is glad you aren't just folding the blog. Reading this journal in some ways has helped me get in touch with my inner squid, and for that (and that particular bit of terminology) I thank you.
As someone who hasn't been part of this whole discussion, doesn't personally know anyone involved, and who's only observed parts of it (I can't say I don't have sides, exactly, and since I have seen your posts, I do agree with what you're saying here -- but I'm pretty much an outside observer, is my point, as far as that's possible), I wanted to comment and advise you -- again, ONLY because I have no idea how many people who read this have any kind of 'outside perspective' anymore -- to very seriously reconsider that decision. Taking into account everything that's been going on in other journals involved, from moving posts to redirecting links, a lot of people are going to wonder about your reasons in doing it -- and you may not care about their opinion on you and that's your right, but whatever hurt you're hoping to spare them will most likely only be worse for it.

And more than that -- you're doing a lot of people a huge disservice by removing the context and the origin for what they've said and done. Whether they were right or wrong, they probably deserve future readers, or just people looking back, to be able to see who reacted to what and trace things back. Leaving reactions without cause doesn't help anyone, least of all people who really try to understand what happened and what it actually means.

You can't make this whole thing go away, even if you think it'll be better for everyone. (I'm not sure I agree, but of course that's just my opinion.) You tried to do it with your call for a ceasefire, and it didn't work, and for good reason. This might have started with you, but it's not yours to control; you can only change people's correct and comprehensive understanding of it by taking away part of the discussion, and worse, taking away the beginning.

My suggestion: Keep everything in place. Add some ETA on all of them -- generic, specific, anything -- to say whatever you're trying to say here -- even just to say that whatever the posts and threads say, you don't necessarily agree with what you said and didn't say in them anymore. Is whatever you choose going to bring about more arguments and bad feelings? Sure. Partly because it's the internet, in bigger part because a lot of people's feelings are hurt, and, really, also because a lot of people don't trust your good faith in it, right or wrong. But deleting everything is also going to get a backlash, probably a bigger one, and they'll be right. You'll be rewriting history, just as if you've walked into a library and tore out pages from a textbook. (No, I don't mean the scale is the same.) The only person who can possibly benefit from it is you. And that's your right too, of course, but doing it because you're sorry doesn't seem entirely helpful.
(Of course, when I started writing this comment, LJ claimed there were no unscreened comments yet, so I didn't know it's been said better and shorter already.)
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