writing rengeek magpie mind

October 2014

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criminal minds prentiss facepalm

just give me your hand. your mother is drunk is all.*

And while we're on the subject of sexual violence, in re: Rape Culture. I explain--

...no, take too long. I sum up.

Look, if you're one of the people saying, "What a pity these boys were convicted of rape, because they had their whole lives ahead of them," you are part of the problem.

You may think what you're saying is "What a pity these boys committed rape, because they destroyed their own futures." But those are not the words coming out of your mouth.

Stop. Look. Listen. Look left, then right, then left again. Then think about what you are about to say or type.

But if you are one of the people saying, "Well, the victim had her whole life ahead of her too," you're also not saying what you think you're saying, and you're contributing to the problem and expressing an internalization of rape culture as well.

The victim--shall we call her a survivor, now?--still does have her whole life ahead of her.

Surviving sexual assault is not the end of a life. Rape culture includes this pervasive idea that the person who is raped is ruined forever, that "she'll never be the same," that she's soiled and broken.

Guess what? Hundreds and hundreds of rape survivors go on to lead productive, fulfilling lives! Yes, it's an act of violence. Yes, it's a trauma, and it should never happen to anyone, and surviving violence--sexual or otherwise--is not easy or clean.

But we need to get this fucking idea of a "fate worse than death" out of the language and the culture pronto, because it compounds the fucking damage when you tell somebody she's automatically damaged for life.

Comments screened, because I don't even.


*not the actual lyric. But close enough for my purposes today.

Comments

I had a period of great bitterness and anger, and grief for the person I could have been and the time I spent learning to deal while my friends were having careers and families and so on.

But grief is grief, and life is life, and I only get one, and I do not want to spend it all grieving.

So as you said, my life as it is is my life. I hear you.
I'm not sure I ever had the grief part, but I spent a long time after my mother died being angry that she'd never, well, you know... but on the other hand, I do accept that she did the best she could with the hand she had been given, and that things were different in the 1950s and 1960s, when I was little. I'm so glad that at least we can talk about these things now and that they aren't hidden behind doors of shame and self-blame (at least for some of us).
I hope I'm not spending my life in grief and anger. I don't think I am. I *do* stuff. Cool stuff. I've got great people around me and I'm pursuing my dreams and living a productive life to the best of my ability. But when it's just me and my thoughts, I'm still scarred. I'm still kind of broken and it's been thirty-four years and at this point I don't believe I'll ever *not* be broken. :-\

I get what you're saying. I get why the message that sexual assault leaves you damaged for life is a wrong message to send. But.

I hear you, brave sir.

I shall just share something that made me blink and tear up a little when I saw it:



Kintsugi is the art of repairing damaged or smashed pottery with lacquer and gold, rendering it as useful as before, and more beautiful.

http://heygoatholdit.blogspot.com/2010/12/kintsugi.html
That . . . is all kinds of awesome.

Thanks.
*hug*
In the film "The Road Home" (1999), people in China used to repair their bowls when they get broken or damaged, rather than just throwing them away and getting new ones like we do nowadays.

There would be a community peddler/bowl-mender who makes the round repairing household items. They use a more crude and less aesthetically pleasing method than Kintsugi (which is an developed art form), but the purpose is to repair the bowl so that those who treasure it can use it again. It was a era when people still treated their belongings with respect and things were made meant to last. In the film, it was mentioned to be a dying trade due to introduction of consumerism and increasing affluence in China.
Thank you for telling me that.
bowl

I took a screenshot of the bowl in the film.
Almost the entire process of mending the bowl is shown in the film, if you are interested.
It is put together with nails made from thick wire and something wax-like to fill in chipped gaps.
A most useful and joyous concept in that image.