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bear by san

February 2017



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bear by san

The venom cock just won't stay down.

The first rule of venom cock is, we don't talk about venom cock. I mean, I pretty much avoided this kerfuffle the first time, but the second time around it's just so stultifying that I have to participate. coalescent rounds them up over here (no flamewars, guys--it's a community for a university class, and I won't have you giving the English students a bad impression of my genre.)

That said, the whileaway post is really excellent. I haven't read The Sparrow, but that's besides the point; I think it narrows down the fuss nicely.

Now, I'm not going to talk about venom cock. I am going to talk about the Venom Cock Phenomenon (VCP.)

I will also say that I witnessed, though did not participate in, some of the WFC readings (which weren't as wide-spread as some say--it was more a 45-minute wonder), and the comments were less on the content, and more on the quality of the writing.

And the eye-dialect.

Neither of which I can comment on, because I haven't read the book (well, okay, I read the first paragraph of the excerpt. But I didn't inhale.)

I mean, Anne Bishop and suzych certainly swing some extreme content in their books (ratstration! horse sex!) and while I have heard people making flinchy noises discussing those books, I've never seen anybody moved to actually embark upon an eye-of-argonning of same. (That's what they were doing at WFC, by the way. There: the dirty secret is out. It was a mass, spontaneous eye-of-argonization. Nothing more elaborate than that.)

(Here's where I pull out my entitlement and stand on my privilege as a grown woman raised by lesbian separatists. I got better; so did they.) (I'd stand on my privilege as a man, but I haven't got any.)

The issue wasn't the feminism. The issue isn't the dragon smut, or the female circumcision. Feminism does not need saving from the patriarchy in this particular instance. The issue was that a quorum, even a super-majority, of WFC attendees found the prose in Touched by Venom laughably bad.

Feminism is never an excuse for laughably bad prose.

You may not agree. You may think the book has other virtues that make up for the prose. You may think the prose is good. You are entitled to your opinion. But by all you hold holy, please, people, can we go back to talking about something else? Feminism does not need saving from the venom-cock mockers.

I promise you.

Thank you. You may return to your homes.


If you're asking wtf The Eye of Argon is, it's over here.

(she says informatively)

I am not secure enough in my knowledge of fandom history to comment upon The Eye of Argon as a con-based phenomenon, but probably somebody else reading this is.

And maybe that's not what your "?" was about at all. In which case, I apologize for telling you something you already know.
Your comment tempted me to see what (if anything) Wikipedia might have to say about Eye of Argon.

Sure enough, they have an entry

It includes a plot summary.
I never got far enough along to realize it even had a plot!
You know, this blog is so educational. How have I made it this far in my fannish life without knowing about these things??

Okay, I didn't need to know about the rats.
The Eye of Argon is a massively bad fantasy novel; the tradition is to attempt to read it aloud with a straight face at conventions.

the story of Eye of Argon

Eye of Argon is a self published SF short story.

It sucks. Oh, does it suck.

People read it aloud (in groups, sometimes at SF Cons) and make fun of it. (SInce it sucks. A lot.)

The end.

Re: the story of Eye of Argon

Mind you, I've never actually seen a paper copy of it, and I've never seen it appearing at Cons (and I've been to a bunch); I just know it /does/.

My friends tell tales of when /they/ read it, so I get laughter-by-proxy.

Re: the story of Eye of Argon

In the author's defense, not only was he twelve when he wrote it (no, really!), but he didn't type it himself, and the person who did is known for having tyopped wildly on other people's stuff.

But man is it funny.

It is super-boring, it's true, but I knew as soon as I read nihilistic_kid's post & the SH review that it would end up on whileaway sooner or later, and I wanted it to be me making the big obnoxious post about it rather than somebody else. Because, well, I'm good at being obnoxious and I like to say "cock".
cock cock cock cock
Oh man, that scene in the English series of The Office when he chases the other guy round the room yelling "You're a cock! You're a cock! You're a cock! You're a cock!"

I cry when I remember it...
The only tidbit that made reading 1603 worthwhile:
one of [King James'] first appointments was that of Royal Cock Master.
but you did

it's that venom cock! always sneaking in where it's not wanted--

fuck, you guys are right. It's impossible to talk about.
Ha! I am too smart to rise to such...

Oh, darn!

{slinking away}
yeah, heidi, the temptation got you in the end--


so, where's charlie? he should be along to stoke up the innuendo any second now...


I shouldn't have opened my big mouth...


so, where's charlie? he should be along to stoke up the innuendo any second now...

Gotta find his pants, first.
Now now. That's perfectly good Hentai.

"The Eye of Argon" is traditionally read aloud at science fiction conventions. Each reader is epxected to continue reading until s/he cracks up. Play passes to the left. Alcohol is usually indicated, but nondrinkers can substitute diet Dr. Pepper.
How funny! We reinvented the wheel on that. I had no idea it was done at conventions, but it was a lot of fun in my livingroom, and led to the inclusion on our running quote board of (from me, *very* indignant), "I was doing FINE until I got to the 'lithe, opaque nose'!"
IIRC, David Langford has described a variant in which, should anybody be doing unexpectedly well, fellow participants are enlisted to helpfully depict, through the medium of interpretive mime, the events being narrated.