You know, it's heaps more readable than most of the stuff I crit over on Forward Motion, and it's giant heaps more readable than most of the stuff I can't stomach critting.
I did a post about a year ago where I took the first draft (well, not the absolute first draft--I believe that's completely gone, which Is Good*) of the first chapter of my first novel, and posted it literally side-by-side with the latest white-page rewrite.
Twas interesting, and not depressing for the fact that I'd clearly made leaps and bounds in my ability to write in the intervening year.
*This was back in the beginning when I thought it was my mission to educate the reader in Japanese culture and language, as well as entertain. It's a mistake I see many young bucks doing because they're hyped up from watching too much Samurai Champloo and they think they're going to write fiction based on animé they've seen, and make a million bucks. They wouldn't know zanshin if it was a terrier latched on to their asses.