Okay, so we all know the difference between a fairy tale and a war story, right?

It is this: a fairy tale starts, "Once upon a time..." A war story begins, "No shit, there I was."

So one of the more amazing things that happened at VPXIII was Sean Craven's chili dog casserole, which is sort of the culinary equivalent of crack!fic.

The recipe is posted here, and, well, it's the funniest recipe you're likely to read in the extended internet absence of standuponit.

You can feel the chemicals crawling around in your veins on little spiked feet afterwards. It's kind of a humbling experience.

And if I ever make it, it will involve Velveeta.

via davidlevine, indirectly...

Davy Jones sings "Your Personal Penguin."

So that's what happened to him...

(I think it's mostly that he's totally still Davy Jones, but I'm having that OMG YOU GOT OLDER WHILE I WASN"T LOOKING AT YOU thing.)

The problem with True Blood is not just that it's the characters are offensively dumb, or that the show itself is appalling badly written, or that it's just plain silly--or even that Sookie Stackhouse is the worst telepath ever, and her powers can't stay straight from one episode to another...

It's that it has these moments of utter brilliance (most of them centering on Lafayette* or Terry) and nothing else ever quite measures up to the promise of those brief, shining moments.*

In fact, they only serve to point out to viewer that nothing, ever, anywhere, anywhen, could measure up to this:



Yeah.

Here's that t-shirt in close up, for the full impact of wonderfulness:



Please note, I'm not recommending you watch the show. It's terrible. It's so terrible, in fact, that I am actually convinced that everybody who works on it knows how terrible it is, and they're just resigned to collecting their paychecks for as long as it runs.

It's so terrible that I watch it because it's terrible. Fabtastically, baroquely, OMG I can't believe they just did that with a plain bald face terrible.

...yes, I probably will watch Season 3. But by God, I will not pretend to like it.

---

*For example, Lafayette's expression after Sookie places that jambalaya order, having been reminded of it by his ranting about the unwisdom of asking what goes in the sausage. Jambalaya, for those of you not familiar with Gulf Coast American cuisine, contains sausage.

*(And then there's all that suffering through Vampire Bill. And did I mention the willful stupidity? Sookie needs to read the Evil Overlord list and apply it to protagging, I tell you what.)

---

...and now, I will commence several weeks of staring at the walls and playing a lot of Bejeweled while I try to figure out what the hell Grail is about.

Please stand by.

Ooo. truepenny tells me it's time for the first lines meme!

baaaaa....

LONG!

1) Vethulf and Skjaldwulf did not get along. (A Reckoning of Men, with truepenny)

2) Tin laced her fingers together across her gravid belly and frowned along her nose at the feeble human child. (An Apprentice to Elves, with truepenny)

3) The first hint of returning consciousness was the icy tickle of fluid dropping across his lids, lashes, nostrils. (Chill)

4) It's harder to get good roles when you're dead. (Smile)

5) Nothing made Matthew hate himself more than waiting for the elevator. (Patience & Fortitude)

6) Ragged vultures spiraled up a cherry sky. (The Steles of the Sky)

7) I loved you not. (Posthumous Jonson)

8) On the first sunny day of Spring, Vladimir Karl Wilhelm Alexander, Prince of Freimarc, came to his father's father's fortress for the only time in his short sixteen years. He did not come willing. (A Treachery of Princes)

9) No first line, but an epigraph:

And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.

And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely the Lord is in this place; and I knew it not.

And he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven. (Grail)

10) Mrs. Cornelius stalked into the mahogany-paneled reception room, a jacket matching her chocolate trousers slung over her shoulder like the mantle of a queen, tiny emerald studs glinting in her ears like the eyes of a snake. (Unsuitable Metal)

11) A lone einherjar stood alone on the narrow band of black sand under the curve of the volcano's flank and raised his head to the impossibly bright spill of stars filling the sky. (Between the Bones)

12) No first line (Untitled virtual reality novel)

13) No first line (Untitled Heroic Hookers of the Old West novel)


SHORT!

1) The dream is smoke.

Smoke. Not fire. Not yet.

But you know the fire is coming. ("Smoke & Mirrors," Shadow Unit)

2) One gray-blue eye emerged from under the zippered edge of the jacket, blearily squinched. "From Hell's heart I stab at thee," Todd grated. "Is it the end of the world?" ("The Unicorn Evils," Shadow Unit, with coffeeem)

3) Someone had left flowers again. ("Spell 81A," Shadow Unit, with stillsostrange)

4) The first word was meant to be spoken quietly, if it should ever be spoken at all. ("The Death of Terrestrial Radio")

5) "We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you'd flunked Algebra." ("On Safari in R'lyeh and Carcosa with Gun and Camera")


Good dog, I really am totally out of short stories. 0.0

---

Oh, and La Datlow took a cute photo of me losing a Locus award to Paolo Baciagalupi. With the much-requested Purple Hair.

Did go to qigong, after all, and I was the only one who showed up. In the course of being the Brave Student, I discovered that Instructor Bob is also a climber (since I got a private lesson today) and we did some different stuff. I started to learn eight of the Eighteen Buddha Palms forms (this is all thill so new to me, so forgive if I mess it up.) and then we did forty minutes of "real" t'ai chi chuan, where I started to learn a Yang-style form, and Bob taught me a little bit about the history of the martial art and the evolution of Chen style into Yang style, with associated legendry.

Then I did a little time on the treadmill, swam, and visited My Friend The Hot Tub. Worth a drive in the snow, especially since while I was out, I took the opportunity to patronize a local business, the Cosmos Grocery on Farmington Avenue, which is a kind of Indian grocery store/deli with profoundly weird cultural influences. By which I mean, it's the only place on Earth that I'm aware of where you can get halal takeout, rent Heroes in Hindi, and also buy lingonberries.

So lunch will be pistachio halvah, bhaigan, saag, chicken tikka, and curry goat. Just as soon as the rice is done. (Yes, I finally found a place to buy lingonberries in Connecticut, and it's the Indian deli. Truly the future is a fine fine place to live.

Maybe I'll have the lingonberries for dessert.)

God, I love my neighborhood. Sadly, the excellent Jamaican restaurant seems to be gone, but I still have good Indian, Brazilian, Pho, Thai, Japanese, and the best Irish pub, pizza, and hot wings in Hartford within walking distance (in fact, the pizza and hot wings deliver). My three closest delis are Algerian, Greek, and Indian, in that order.

I hope you're jealous, because you should be. The only problem is that I can't eat all of it every day.

From the department of some things were meant to be utilitarian department:

Unicorn menstrual pads.

Gecko, unicorn, and cute-kitten-reclining-on-crescent-moon nursing pads. Also, monkeys on pogo sticks.

From the department of products designed by somebody who has never actually changed a baby boy department:

The Pee Pee Teepee.

(Otherwise known as a good way to study ballistics.)

writers watch TV. context is king.


[21:37] matociquala: (Watson is mad at Holmes for telling Mycroft he wasn't dead)
[21:37] katallen: awh
[21:38] matociquala: (Holmes has been to Tibet.)
[21:38] katallen: dalying with lamas?
[21:38] matociquala: indeed
[21:38] matociquala: He seems oblivious to the fact that he's been rather cruel to poor Watson
[21:39] katallen: yes, poor John
[21:39] matociquala: And Mrs. Hudson is having hysterics
[21:40] stillnotbored: poor Mrs. Hudson
[21:40] matociquala: "Are you still in possession of your army revolver?"
[21:40] matociquala: He only loves Watson for his gun.
[21:41] katallen: ::grins::
[21:41] matociquala: "My dear Holmes, please, my bedroom is at your disposal."
[21:41] matociquala: ...
[21:42] matociquala: (Aw, he went to tuck Holmes in.)
[21:42] matociquala: (With a tartan blankie)
[21:42] katallen: awh
[21:43] matociquala: *writes a thousand times on the internets, "I will not slash Holmes and Watson."*
[21:44] stillnotbored: lol
[21:45] matociquala: "I trust that age has not withered nor custom staled my infinite variety."
[21:50] katallen: o.o
[21:52] matociquala: "This empty house is my tree! And you are my tiger!"
[21:53] matociquala: "I hope you observed all precautions, Mrs. Hudson?"
[21:54] matociquala: "Oh yes sir, I went to it on my knees, exactly as you told me. I've a good crick in my back to prove it!"
[21:54] matociquala: ...

*is 12*

dear God in Hell:



Why yes, I am working. I've edited five whole pages tonight.

Via anghara, who has the BEST internets, and cvillette--

Charlie the Coyote.

Charlie's an orphan coyote who is being raised by Shreve Stockton, a woman who lives in rural Wyoming, and her tabby cat Eli. She's an evocative photographer, and an articulate writer.

There are Charlie calendars and prints here.

There's an eljay feed here: daily_coyote

I can tell my hair is getting long, because when my ponytail flops off my neck when I turn my head in half-moon pose, it throws my balance off.

So I've never gotten the bad boy thing. Mostly, I want to send them to bed without any dinner--both the fictional and the real ones. I like good boys. Nice, earnest ones with a scary intellect and a heart of pure tempered carbon steel.

Those are the boys for me.

So why did it take me until I was 36 to realize that this is because I'm not a good girl?

0.0

via slithytove, an Orangina commercial from overseas.

Set in a furry strip club.

As he says, NSFW in the USA. Bears in loincloths, furries, poledancing giraffes, exploding octopus bosoms, etc.

View it here.


.

You can also become a pants man.

(via tanuki_green.)

...now I wonder what Sesame Street looks like to Japanese people.

I'm 35 years old and doing long division for fun.

...

...okay, I'm telling myself that it's fun.

I know from whence Thomas Harris swiped Hannibal Lechter's escape from jail.

Mission: Impossible, season 1, the episode "A Cube of Sugar."

Except there was less skinning in the sixties, because Rollin planned ahead.

(yes, spoilers for a forty-year-old TV show. life is like that sometimes.)

...why are they playing Celtic music?

1:32 AM ETA: Now it's a bodhran version of "On Christmas Day In The Morning."

Charlie, are you taking notes? I'm pretty sure you can use this for something.

There's two sides to every motherfuckin' story.



Or: Oh. My. God.

( Context is at Stereogum. This could be the best blues movie since Crossroads ;-\ )

And now, time for a Friday Night Poll!

Poll #919616 friday night fights!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 106

Bear has written her words today and is a mile closer to Mordor. She should:

ideally,

ticky?

[21:25] matociquala: Also?
[21:25] matociquala: Jamie is kind of scary with his shirt off.
[21:25] matociquala: where kind of = orangutan
[21:25] matociquala: that's a LOT of patchy orange fur
[21:26] cristalia: heeeeeeeeee
[21:26] matociquala: I love the mythbusters, but teh sexx they are not
[21:53] stillsostrange: I dunno, I think Adam's pretty darn cute
[21:59] matociquala: (OH, God, Amanda, you just catapulted me to a horrible Mythbusters revelation)
[22:00] stillsostrange: hee
[22:00] matociquala: You know what it is, don't you?
[22:00] stillsostrange: ...
[22:00] stillsostrange: *waits*
[22:01] matociquala: Somewhere on the Internet, there is ...
[22:01] matociquala: inevitably....
[22:01] stillsostrange: snerk
[22:01] matociquala: Mythbusters RPS.
[22:01] stillsostrange: *dies*
[22:01] katallen: no
[22:01] matociquala: *pokes eyes out with golden brooches*
[22:01] katallen: some things just cannot be
[22:02] stillsostrange: *does not go there*
[22:02] stillsostrange: *goes anyway*
[22:02] stillsostrange: That would be some very elaborate slash
[22:02] matociquala: This is in part my own fault, because I was just sitting here thinking about how cute it is that Adam constantly puts his life in Jamie's hands.
[22:02] matociquala: Rube Goldberg, even
[22:02] stillsostrange: Yes
[22:03] stillsostrange: Jamie's strong, manly hands
[22:03] matociquala: Because it is ALWAYS Adam who does the incredibly stupid thing with Jamie holding the rope.
[22:03] matociquala: NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[22:03] matociquala: (and his patchy orange chest)
[22:04] stillsostrange: *squeaks*
[22:04] stillsostrange: *whimpers*
[22:04] stillnotbored: the ambiguously gay duo?
[22:04] stillsostrange: That mustache is pretty unambiguous
[22:04] *** tanaise has joined the chat.
[22:04] katallen: Hi Celia
[22:04] matociquala: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[22:04] stillnotbored: just flashing on old SNL cartoons
[22:05] stillnotbored: good old Ace and Gary *g*
[22:05] stillsostrange: (And by "how" I mean, "what game mechanic would account for this")
[22:05] matociquala: I am so blogging this.
[22:05] katallen: lalalalala
[22:05] cristalia: LOL
[22:05] stillsostrange: My tummy feels funny now.
[22:05] stillnotbored: I'm thinking amanda
[22:05] stillsostrange: Make the bad brain stop.
[22:06] matociquala: No.
[22:06] matociquala: No.
[22:06] matociquala: Think nice safe thoughts
[22:06] stillnotbored: does this help?
[22:06] matociquala: That don't involve naked mythbusters
[22:06] matociquala: or worse, nekked mythbusters
[22:06] katallen: don't make me get the cricket bat
[22:06] stillnotbored: :)
[22:07] katallen: and I looked
[22:07] stillnotbored: heh
[22:07] stillsostrange: I read the url.  :P
[22:07] matociquala: Never look.
[22:07] tanaise: Nekkid is nude with intent.
[22:07] matociquala: Exactly my point, celia
[22:07] stillnotbored: no one is naked in that picture
[22:07] katallen: it had wiki in it
[22:08] katallen: if it's sans nekkid mythbusters then it is *good*
[22:10] matociquala: That's what I love about you guys.
[22:11] matociquala: There is always somebody who will take me to an even worse place than I went myself
[22:11] tanaise: like nekkid mythbusters?
[22:11] tanaise: cause really, there has yet to be a worse place than that.
[22:11] katallen: and we're not going there
[22:11] matociquala: Nekked mythbusters was the recovery phase
[22:11] matociquala: I *am* blogging this.
[22:11] matociquala: You are warned
[22:11] katallen: or I sing Barry Manilow