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bear by san

March 2017



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muppetology cooking Bork! Bork! Bork!

yep. definitely coming down with something.

Tickly throat, exhausted, swollen glands, aching neck. Yep, all the signs are in place.

So, while I'm napping in a sunbeam with Phyllis Ann Karr's The Arthurian Companion: Second Edition on my face (at some point I may swap out and nap with Anansi Boys on my face instead), entertain me! To wit, I've detailed what is, in my humble, one of the best sandwiches on earth.

What's the worst sandwich on earth?

In my opinion, the Britrail egg mayonnaise is hard to beat for sheer bland slimy vomit-textured disgustingness. I have in fact astounded, amazed, and entertained many American friends with a detailed description of exactly how bad an egg salad sandwich can be.

But I'm sure there's worse....

Enlighten me!


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I woke up at 4:00 a.m. to get to the airport in time for my flight to my first con, American Airlines from Mpls to Newark and then Newark to Fort Lauderdale. The Newark to Ft. L. flight featured two pieces of compressed paper with mayo between them. There was allegedly egg chopped and distributed inside the mayo, but it felt and tasted like...lumpy mayo. The sort of lumps mayo would have if it went rancid, albeit without the rancidity. Also there was a piece of lettuce that was all spine and no leaf.

I feared it was an omen about this science fiction writing thing. It was not.

So perhaps the egg salad sandwich is a subcategory of bad sandwich all its own?
I nominate all sandwiches found in the typical lunchroom vending machine at my workplace.

You may know the type: Packaged in triangular plastic cartons, made of pallid, mushy balloon bread (even when it's labeled "whole wheat" there's not a hint of grain in the texture) with a single thin slice of processed meat and an equally thin slice of pasty orange CheeseFoodProduct, bare of condiments yet somehow ... glued ... together.

Nasty things, fit only to stave off actual starvation.
Take this sandwich as a starting point.

Swap the supposed whole grain bread for "whole grain" which actually has whole grains, entire, possibly fossilized, like hunks of rock in them. Still no taste however. The bread lacks even the fluffy quality of Wonder, and is more like eating a sponge.

Swap the vaguely tolerable American lunch meat for gummy, chewy slices of things unrecognizable, claiming to be something like "tongue" or "loaf".

The cheese-like substance is no longer a slab of salty orange, but a smeary slice of something pale and greasy that lacks even salt.

Alternatively, substitute the slimy, like-eating-stale-eyeballs egg salad, or stale, hard cucumber slices in margarine.

To vaguely quote Douglas Adams, keep them fresh by laundering them once a week if it's really necessary.

Now you have the BritRail plastic triangle sandwich.
Egg salad with chopped up pickle bits in it is close to the nastiest "regular" sandwich I can think of.

As far as disgusting food combinations in general go, peanut butter and cheese on a hot dog is surprisingly tasty.
That's hardly fair, picking a British sandwich served on the rail transport system as your opening gambit. You should start with something like the Boots Feta Wrap, which may smell like socks and sick but is slightly edible. British Rail sandwiches are a 'Game Over' manoeuvre.

Everyone knows that's like saying "let's see which is the worst disease on Earth? I know, I'll start with ebola."

*g* Dengue fever? *g*
In college I worked at a very down on its luck coffee shop, favored by punks and street people for its dirt-cheap prices. We had this "turkey" that we put on our sandwiches... it was thin, soggy slices of pressed meat fibers that tasted like damp, salty kleenex. So that's the most disgusting sandwich filling I can think of, but the finished sandwiches weren't all that bad because the rest of the components were fresh.
damp, salty kleenex.

I rather like the egg salad baguetes they sell on the station. They're my regular train sandwich. (o:
Oh no! I hope you don't have what I've had, because it sucketh royally. {{{healthvibes}}}

As for disgusting sandwiches, I knew someone who liked peanutbutter, banana and onion sandwiches. ::shudder::
...ew ew ew ew ew.

I think it's just my body kicking my ass so I SIT DOWN FOR A DAMNED MINUTE.

Like it does sometimes.
Have you tried Airborne, or a generic like Walborne, for your impending crud? I have the worst immunity on the planet, and two young children who bring everything home, and when I slam the Walborne, I may get a tad sick for a day, but I tend to beat the colds.

As for disgusting sandwiches... Well, I can't argue with the prepackaged gas station or vending machine variety, but the most disappointing sandwich I'd ever had was at the end of my second year of college.

It had been a horrible year, a tough semester, and it was finally done. All I wanted was a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. My friends and I went to dinner at the dorm cafeteria. By this time of year, we were so sick of the food that we were living on breakfast cereal, Eggo waffles, and whatever seemed appetizing from the grill, thus the grilled ham and cheese.

And of course, the majority of the people employed in the cafeteria were from the Middle East. A good portion of them wouldn't know a grilled ham and cheese if it bit them ... well, anywhere. But there was one man who knew what he was doing. His name was Mike, and he always wore a bandana on his head, and he could rip it up at the grill. He was amazing. But when I went to order my sandwich, he was on break. So I asked the young man, from the Middle East, who was working the grill for a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. He looked at me, as if I were speaking some strange alien language and said, "What?" I asked, again, for a grilled ham and cheese. "What is that?" he asked. I explained the concept. He went to the grill, and put on it, all separately, two pieces of buttered bread, some ham, and the cheese. Obviously that didn't work out. He looked at the "sandwich", and he looked at me, and he looked back at the grill, and finally tossed the sandwich in the garbage. I tried to nicely explain how to make the sandwich, but he shushed me. He tried again, putting everything on the bread, but this time didn't butter the bread. What he finally had was this ripped, gooey mass of bread, ham, and melted cheese. He slapped it on the plate, and handed it over. I just sort of looked at it, and he said, "Next." I was too tired to argue, so I went and sat down with my friends, and looked at my sandwich.

My friends looked at my sandwich, they looked at me, and then my boyfriend said, "What is that?"

"It's a grilled ham and cheese," I said, and then I started to cry because, you know, it had been such a bad semester and I couldn't even get a sandwich done right.

My boyfriend grabbed my plate and went back to the grill. I put my head on the table. He came back, not long after, with the most beautiful sourdough grilled ham and cheese sandwich I have ever seen: the sourdough golden brown, the cheese perfectly melted, the ham warm, and lovely lettuce leaves arranged under the sandwich. And it was perfectly delicious.

"Did you do that?" one of my friends asked him.

"No. I found Mike and he took a break from his dinner," he said.

Yeah, I married him.
Oh, what a lovely man. You got a good one.
Aw, god, you had to remind me of the Britrail egg salad sammich. Five years later, and I still remember how bad it was.

Its name is legend.
I remember a disgusting turkey salad sandwich bought from a grocery in Blackheath about when it was closing - I knew I should have gone for the samosas.

Any sandwich can be disgusting if badly made or if the ingredients are inferior to begin with.
What's the worst sandwich on earth?

Uncooked human liver on moldy sourdough?
Hope you feel better soon. My default comfort food when sick these days is the Thai Kitchen Roasted Garlic Soup (also sold by Trader Joe's under their name). Warming, soothing, garlicky, and it even tastes like Thai food.

I have some hot and sour soup that will be lunch.

Oh yes.
Personally I think Eggs are disgusting. period.
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