And I figured out, after screwing up an equation and having to go back and do it over again and seeing quite clearly how I screwed it up (which was by messing up my order of operations, thank you very much), why I can do it now when I couldn't, fifteen years ago.
It's because I've spent the last fifteen years of my life teaching myself to process information in a linear fashion so I could write books that people understood.
Which is why, fifteen years ago, I couldn't write a short story to save my life, but I generated poetry like dropping leaves. And now, if I try to write a poem longer than a sonnet, it turns into a narrative on me, because the gestalt thing I used to be able to do is not so easy anymore.
I PATCHED MY BRAIN.
Which means maybe I can teach myself to write poetry again. And--moreover--I bet it means I can teach myself to read the way I used to, and codeswitch between gestalt and linear thinking styles. And between gestalt and linear reading styles.
I CAN HACK THE GRAY JELLY! I mean, I knew I could hack the gray jelly: I've figured out how to hack my biochemical and trauma issues pretty well over the last twenty-five years or so. But the idea that I can hack the synaptic processing and the right/left brain divide?
That's so freaking awesome.
I love my brain.
All is forgiven. Yes, even that. And that other thing, too.