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bear by san

March 2017



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problem cat

who am i? come on question me.

Cat: Monkey, you're in my sunbeam.
Monkey: Your sunbeam?
Cat: Of course. All sunbeams are my sunbeam.
Monkey: But this sunbeam happens to be on my chair.
Cat: It doesn't matter. It's like... mineral rights. Or airspace. I demand you vacate the sunbeam at once!
Monkey: Possession is 9/10th of the law, you know.
Cat: *pushes at Monkey's laptop*
Monkey: *emulates the immovable object*
Cat: *walks across laptop*
Monkey: *removes cat*
[inserts several iterations of above here]
Cat: This is so not fair.
Monkey: Life isn't fair, Princess.
Cat: No sunbeam. No lap. No lap. No sunbeam. I shall go into a death spiral of depression and pine, and starve, and waste....
Monkey: By the way, I put out canned food.
Cat: *runs to bowl, suddenly revitalized*
Monkey: Life is so hard for some of us.
Cat: By the way, did you know the ripstop nylon on your guitar case makes a great scratching post?
Monkey: Yeah, well, then at least you're not using my boots.
Cat: Anymore.


You have to tell her a can of cat food has been opened? Mine know the sound, and are there and plastered to me almost as soon as the sound waves from the pull tab or the can opener reach their little tufted ears.
Since the sound of canned soup and soda cans being opened is so similar (we won't even discuss the sad fact that a can opener penetrating a can of diced tomatoes of pineapple slices sounds just like a can opener penetrating a can of Real Food), this results in a lot of false alarms, but they never fail to turn up.

However, the piteous display of misery when denied the lap/warm spot is dead on. You are lucky to have missed the discussion on why cats can't help you knit.
She was napping. She missed the noise.

She naps hard.
She must be a serious sleeper. I have had felines rouse up from naps and appear from alternate dimensions when they hear that wonderful, magical sound.
My cats won't eat canned food. They will, if deposited near a fresh-opened can of not even store-brand but moderate quality wet food, lick it a bit dubiously, and then wander off to munch on their dry kibble.

I think my cats are defective.
Do they come another way?

Mine has not been exposed to wet food, but I think she keeps trying to make some by dumping her water dish into her food dish. The result is, apparently, never as satisfactory as she hopes.

She will then, of course, wander downstairs to eat the puppy's food. I'm choosing to read this as a particularly neurotic form of resourcefulness.
I wanna buy the cd of these things when you've got them recorded.
I just report what she dictates.
Have I mentioned how much I love your "Cat vs. Monkey" series?

If not, let me just say I love your "Cat vs. Monkey" series.

They're entertaining enough that I'd suggest you collect and submit them for publication, but I'd hate to add any pressure that would hold up future installments...

[Ian and I were talking, and McSweeney's might be a good fit. :) ]
Thank you!
Delightful! You have captured the essential truth(s) of Monkey-Cat relations!

At first, I thought Cat had said "you are my sunbeam." I reckoned some major buttering-up was taking place before I realized my mistake. ;)
I find that hanging the boots upside down from a high ledge keeps them safe.
I would read your Cat vs Monkey conversations to my cats, but it would give them ideas. I know it would. :)
By the way, just to provide an alternate comment, I hope you /don't/ publish these.

(But I sure don't mind if you keep blogging them.)
I do love these cat vs. monkey bits, they make me laugh because I relate, having two cats of my own.

With our cats, they get canned food twice a day and they KNOW the time--makes it a bitch when the time moves ahead, though. Generally, when it is feeding time, as soon as I head into the kitchen, I've got four of them (sis has two cats as well) trying to wrap themselves around my ankles. I keep telling them that killing me will not get them fed any faster but I don't think they believe me.

Opening a can will bring 3 of our 4 cats running, the fourth is almost 18 and just can't be bothered anymore, unless it's near feeding time, then he'll hobble into the kitchen. What's funny is that my baby cat will only meow at me if it's NOT cat food I'm opening up. I guess he's hoping it's tuna and he'll get the juice off of it or something; I figure he's just reminding me he's there and ready to help. *g*

With our cats, the other thing that will bring them running is the sound of a treat bag being rattled. I sometimes fake them out by crumpling paper. Yeah, I'm easily amused.
All cats are fragments of the same ur-cat, I think.