Well, it's been a long slow hiatus, and we were bored and insomniac and we've been joking about this for a looong time. And so we present to anybody who is interested--the hopefully amusing and entirely life-threatening
Criminal Minds drinking game!:
We, the editors (beatriceeagle, matociquala, and slash_girl), highly recommend that this game not actually be played with alcoholic or caffeinated beverages, or anything with a high sugar or calorie content, as we cannot be responsible for the results if it is.
--apologizes for Gideon's lack of manners
--gets into a fistfight
--backstory contradicts itself.
--he produces another useful item (dentist's mirror, collapsable baton, swiss army knife) from a pocket. (One of these days it's going to be a holocaust cloak.)
--puts on the bad-guy mask while he's interrogating a suspect, and proceeds to dominate.
--puts on his "Oh, we're screwed now" face.
--mothers or caretakes another team member
--glares at someone. (withering stares also count.)
--sails through bureaucratic barriers like a high-powered lawyer with two guns and the Attorney General's phone number on Speed Dial. (Hotchalanche!)
--due to an editing error, is suddenly not left-handed.
--is Hotch. (By which to say, one of those moments when Hotch is just being himself, in a profound and elegant fashion; i.e., washing the blood off Elle's wall.)
--cracks a smile.
--and Hotch collude to hornswoggle some cop or suspect who is underestimating the blonde.
----twice if JJ winks at Hotch, after.
--rolls her eyes.
--colludes with Reid
--says, "We spoke on the phone"
----and the person she says it to does a double-take.
--wants to give a press conference
--strides down the hall/across the bullpen
--is not the one handling the remote
--feeds somebody a complete line of balderdash, and they buy it hook, line and sinker.
----drink twice if it's a team member
--intimidates a team member other than Reid
--needs to rethink her hair style.
--is revealed as the Secrit Mastermind Behind the BAU
--knows something Reid doesn't.
--beats somebody up.
--looks hot in Kevlar
--is hasty or impatient or stretches the truth a little... or a lot.
--is smarter than anybody else in the room.
--is from Brooklyn, and has the skills and the attitude to prove it.
--is team sex crimes guy.
--is the only one in the room with the sense to handle a trauma survivor
----finish your drink if he's reading at an apparently normal rate of speed
--mangles, folds, spindles, or otherwise mutilates paperclips, pens, pencils, or other innocent prop objects (picking locks falls under magician tricks.)
--makes a cryptic comment that could be about drug or alcohol abuse, or appears to be engaging in same
--Says Too Much
--sticks something edible in his mouth.
----twice if it's not cake, candy, or a Rice Krispie treat.
--gives a statistic or remembers an obscure fact.
--arrives someplace at a trot, slightly out of breath, in a controlled or uncontrolled sort of crash. (Reidalanche!)
--rushes with the rest of the team to save a suspect/witness who is injuring himself, only to hang around awkwardly in the background, doing nothing.
--defends the mentally ill
--is afraid of his own mind.
--exhibits terrifying and unexpected toughness/ruthlessness/bravado or is kind of stupidly brave.
----and doesn't get away with it, drink twice.
--is held hostage/held at gunpoint
--is team psycholinguistics or graphology guy
--drink any time we actually discover something that's in Reid's bag.
--channels Captain Obvious.
--channels a victim. (This includes when victim's voices are overlaid with his, when he places himself in the physical position where they died, etc.)
--makes a decision that gets somebody beat up, shot, or killed.
----finish your drink if it's one of his own team-mates.
--is good with kids.
----but not his own.
--talks somebody into losing their cool... or regaining it.
--somebody recieving a phone call from Gideon identifies him by a spurious nickname ("my boyfriend," "your wife.")
--when you notice something from a previous episode (i.e., Sarah Jean Dawes's painting, or a book on stuttering) in his office
--cracks the case through noticing some tiny detail everybody else missed
--mentions her mother
--speaks another language
--exhibits low (flattened) affect
--loathes somebody passionately.
--suffers Hoof In Mouth disease.
----drink twice if she only thinks he put her foot in it, but actually said something smart.
--adds "Sir" to the end of a sentence as an afterthought.
----drink twice if she clearly doesn't mean it.
--holds up or uses a cool pen
--does something else perfectly in character, possibly involving a stuffed animal.
--is eating something while talking about hideous things
----or ostentatiously not eating.
------throws somebody out of her office for eating
--calls Morgan some clever pet name.
----does it to another team member
------gets shot down.
--floors a team member with some shocking comment
--had a hand in designing whatever software they're currently attempting to crack.
--says "Okay, I'm [the unsub.]"
----twice if he's tackling something. Like a moving van.
--kicks down a door.
--tries to be sensitive Understanding Guy for a team-mate and makes it worse.
----finish your drink if he makes it better.
--mentions of Clooney the Dog
--calls Garcia by a pet name.
--flirts with a woman other than Garcia.
--drink twice if Morgan gets to say one of the epigraphs
--any equation of Morgan to a large predatory animal. Or the prey thereof.
--picks on somebody in a Big-Brotherly fashion.
--is BATF undercover badass guy
Characterization of regular and recurring, General:
--characters sleep on the plane
--characters share food
----drink twice if they share unwillingly.
--somebody displays symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (Other than as noted under specific character lists) or reveals some terrible bit of history. (i.e., flashbacks, flashbulb memories, dissociating, hypervigilance, etc.)
--anyone realizes The Awful Troof of a given horrific situation.
--every time somebody pours, drinks from, or waves around a cup of coffee.
--drink when the good guys prove they're better than the monsters.
----finish your drink if they're not.
--for Significant Glances
----or Significant Eyebrow Movements
--somebody talks about needing more deaths to construct a pattern
----and more deaths occur.
--one of Our Guys negotiates a surrender rather than shooting somebody...
--when a regular character breaks down in tears
--when a regular character shamelessly manipulates, lies, tricks, and/or bullies a cop, unsub, or victim into providing information
--a regular cast character admits to being a "nerd," "geek," or "dork," or it's just demonstrated conclusively that they are one.
--a team member is ruthless (in the spotting-your-weaknesses-and-gouging-the
----drink twice if the team member isn't Gideon, Hotch, or Reid.
--any team member outsmarts the hell out of somebody.
--any team member gets arrested or threatened with arrest.
--any team member is trying to wipe the blood of a victim or unsub off their hands/a wall/their face (and failing)
----drink twice if they aren't even bothering to try to wipe it away
--anybody hollers for/sits in/is taken away in an ambulance.
----twice if it's Reid
Thematic and Design Elements:
--regular or guest characters demonstrate Daddy Issues
--regular or guest characters demonstrate Mommy Issues
--somebody refers to another character by a family relationship name. ("Dad," etc.)
--greenscreen or other cool visual effect. (You're on your own recognizance for cool fades and scene changes.)
--the team are equated to mythological creatures or individuals (Knights of the round table, angels, etc.)
--the characters or the narrative make science fiction joke or reference a work of science fiction (Kurt Vonnegut, Star Trek, Bladerunner, etc.)
--other literary reference, obscure or otherwise (epigraphs do not count; Book of Tobit does.)
--for a movie/TV show parody episode or shout-out. (Saw, Body Double, Psycho, Casablanca, When A Stranger Calls, 24, X-Files etc.)
--for humanizing the monster and/or demonstrating the banality of evil
--the good guys comfort the dying, even if it's a dying monster.
--for moral ambiguity or a Pyrrhic victory
--when the good guys lose.
--drink twice for a clear unqualified win.
--when what actually just happened is open to interpretation at least two different ways (Did he or didn't he?)
--for any scene that invites you to shout: "Don't go into the basement/barn/woods/cornfield!"
--for narrative incongruity (i.e., party balloons during a shootout)
--a quote is embedded into the dialogue
--time in BAU-land does not appear to pass the same way our Earth Time does. (Day of the Dead in May, etc.)
--the show involves a brief public service announcement, such as an educational paragraph on the unrealities of Stranger Danger or the Satanism panic
--the music department has a twisted sense of humor (i.e., "Sympathy for the Devil" at the beginning of Revelations, "How's It Gonna End?" in the trailer for Ashes & Dust)
----drink twice if you have to do research to understand the joke.
--drink, in fact, for *anything* thematically important on the show that you have to do research for (such as reading the third chapter of Mother Night, say.)
--Body part in a box! Drink!
--Body part not in a box! Drink!
--trophies or mementos (this includes the teams trophies and mementos: i.e., Gideon's Murder Book.)
--the lighting department has a twisted sense of humor (i.e., angelic lighting on Reid and Garcia at the end of SBD and Reid at the end of Jones)
--more than one Gulfstream appears in the same episode.
--the collapsible Chevy Suburbans appear (same two black SUVs, all over the continent).
--the D.C. Metro runs all over the world, including Texas.
--the D.C. Metro bears a striking resemblance to the NY Subway
--somebody tells somebody to put their seatbelt on, or if somebody is obviously not buckled up when the vehicle is moving.
--the cop of the week is driving.
--Elle drives, Morgan rides.
--Mom (Hotch) drives the Soccer Van (see Chevy Suburbans, above.)
--in the unlikely event that Reid ever gets to drive, finish your drink.
--drink for Esther. You know you wanna.
--Morgan wears a suit.
----Drink twice if Hotch doesn't.
--drink for the Sunglasses of Justice, baby.
----drink twice if the team puts on sunglasses specifically to confront a bad guy
--any team member looks like they were stealing from another team member's closet.
----actually was stealing from another team member's closet (this goes for non-team-members too, right, Frank?)
--every time anybody wears an eye-watering sweater/shirt. (Charge of the Bad Shirt Brigade!)
----drink twice if it's not Reid or Gideon.
--Hotch is not wearing a tie
--JJ looks like she was poured into her outfit
--Garcia's highlights change color.
--Garcia has more than one hairstyle per episode.
--Reid is wearing his watch outside his sleeve
--Reid is visibly wearing mismatched socks
----twice if Reid's cute childish habits serve to reinforce a tragedy
--Reid has extra-long fingernails
--characters are wearing clothing that matches clothing worn by another character (i.e., father-son type outfits.)
--drink if clothing from a previous episode is reused
----drink twice if it is reused three or more times
------drink three times if it has been used so often that it has been nicknamed in fandom (i.e., when Reid's Cursed Shirt (the blue and white long-sleeved check Oxford he's wearing in Revelations and at the end of Sex, Birth, Death) or his lavender scarf make appearances, or when Garcia's chartreuse green jacket shows up.)
----a beloved wardrobe item is destroyed (Goodbye, red sweatervest! We miss you! Goodbye, Gideon's white-and-red plaid shirt!).
--anybody is failing to maintain a sight picture
--anybody secures a suspect's weapon (makes sure the safety is on, puts a knife out of reach, etc) before taking further action towards first aid or arrest.
--Hotch's holdout pistol wanders from ankle to ankle, or becomes a different gun (a revolver, at one point).
--a team member uses a weapon other than a gun.
If a team member actually shoots somebody:
----drink twice if multiple team members shoot the same person/it's unclear which team member shoots.
----once if it's Elle or Hotch.
------two times if it's Reid, Prentiss, or Morgan.
--------finish your drink if it's Gideon or JJ.
----------if it's Garcia, you're watching the wrong show.
Local Law Enforcement:
--a local cop mouths off in a briefing, drink once.
--a local cop who mouthed off later gets offed, drink once.
--a local cop who mouthed off later DOESN'T get offed, chug.
--a local cop is non-white or female.
--a local cop is a white male. (Rarer than you'd think)
--a local SWAT guy ices somebody who probably didn't need icing.
--a member of local law enforcement cracks the case
--a member of local law enforcement should clearly be adopted into the BAU family (John Blackwolf, Cal Mcgee)
--a local cop wants to be or may in fact be sleeping with one of the BAU team
----drink twice if two of the local law enforcement are sleeping with each other.
--shows up more than once (this includes other FBI agents--Katie, Anderson, Kramer, etc.)
Unsubs, victims, and family members:
--a potential suspect is concealing a fatal illness.
--unsub, cop of the week, or victim is a clear parallel to a regular cast member
--some random bystander shoots somebody, thereby complicating the situation.
--drink every time an intended victim smacks the attacker hard enough to do damage.
----finish your drink if s/he kicks him in the testicles
--serial killers, mafioso, his own family, bystanders, or family of victims attempt to feed Reid.
--unsubs evolve, devolve, or escalate.
----at an unlikely rate of change.
--the family member of a victim breaks down horribly upon learning that their family member is dead/they could have saved them.
--a survivor of a previous episode returns for a later appearance.
----and doesn't survive the return engagement, drink twice.
--somebody plays cards.
----twice when somebody cheats at cards.
------finish your drink when somebody cheats at cards and you don't notice until the second time you watch the episode.
--------mentions of poker-playing in dialogue count.
--for any game of strategy (Chess, Go, Checkers etc.)
--for magic. (Physics magic, "Magic time!" sleight of hand.)
--for games of skill (Darts, etc.)
--for computer games.
--for sports (football, soccer.)
--for drinking games (As in: Star Trek or serial killer trivia.)
Drink whenever somebody recites one of the following refrains or a variation:
--You're here. He's not.
--Nobody deserves this.
--Anything about somebody getting lucky.
----Twice if somebody else corrects them.
--"You're not him" or variations thereupon.
--Choose who dies.
--Anything about the perversion of religion to justify evil.
--You did your job
--You did what you had to do.
--You did everything you could.
----if it's Gideon saying "I did what I had to do; I did my job" to himself, justifying having gotten somebody shot/seriously injured, finish your drink.
any time somebody says "You/I won:"
----drink twice if it doesn't seem like winning.
------finish your drink if it actually does.