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bear by san

March 2017

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writing literature vonnegut asshole

all the luck in all the world and most of it was bad

I have literally spent all day thinking about a single sentence.

Well, I also went for a walk and got sushi and called my Mom and played a little guitar and made plans to go car shopping tomorrow and, er, played a lot of Bejeweled. And wrote about three pages of "Refining Fire." And figured out several important things about Sol Todd that will let me write him, thank you, because one thing I always need to know is the metaphors by which any given character perceives the world.

But you see, there's also this sentence.



Solomon Todd thought of Kent State, and spread his arms out wide until they ached like spanning wings.

good image. bad words. hrm.


Solomon Todd thought of Kent State, and stretched his wide arms until they ached like spanning wings.

argh. slightly better.


Solomon Todd thought of Kent State, and stretched expanded arms until they ached like spanning wings.

have a few more adjectives there, Bear.





Then with expanded wings he stears his flight
Aloft, incumbent on the dusky Air
That felt unusual weight, till on dry Land
He lights, if it were Land that ever burn'd

Dammit.
If Milton can do this, so can I.
Hmm. Lengthened. Extended.




Solomon Todd thought of Kent State, and extended spanning arms until they ached like wings expanded.

ouch. ow. also ouch. bad jingle. bad.


Solomon Todd thought of Kent State, and stretched his arms until they ached like wings expanded.


He's plasticman?


Solomon Todd thought of Kent State, and stretched
arms wide to ache like wings expanded.

Okay, no way you're getting that into iambic pentameter. Just back away from the blank verse and nobody needs to get hurt.


Solomon Todd thought of Kent State and stretched arms wide, to ache like expanded wings.
Solomon Todd thought of Kent State and stretched arms wide, to ache like wings expanded.

Solomon Todd thought of Kent State and stretched arms wide to ache like wings expanded.

Solomon Todd thought of Kent State and stretched arms wide, to ache like wings expanded.


Huh. On the other hand... maybe all I had to do was move remove move the comma.
And I get to keep the Milton reference, because it matters to me.

SCORE!

Yep, Sol, you're going to Hell. Only sort of metaphorically speaking.
Sorry, man.

Nothing personal.



Yep. That was all day, that was.

All this for genre hackwork. Isn't it a good thing I'm not a real writer? I'd never get anything done.

Comments

Beer was contemplated. *g* I went with trailmix instead.

Unlike Chaz, I can still eat granola--

Do you like the unstruckover version? Because if so, I think it's the best I am likely to get.

Good God, I thought you said "I went for a wank and sushi."

*gets eyes tested*
Um.

You know, I went all sorts of bad places just then.

Thanks. :-P
Don't *most* airlines fly through hell?
Hell is a small town near Ann Arbor, Michigan.
I play it because it's glittery.

And it praises me when I do good. *g*
Solomon Todd thought of Kent State, and stretched his arms like expanding wings until they ached. (?)


I have literally spent all day thinking about a single sentence.

You need a child. Maybe twins. Young. In diapers. :)
No, that one is lacking narrative drive to my ear, unfortunately. *g* The scansion limps.

(And I don't *like* children.)
::loff::

My favorite part of your blog is where you show us the bones.
*picks them over*
Nice post. Images summoned by the final take made me wonder whether these were his arms and how many there were. Of course, I don't have any context beyond the sentence.

BTW, I went to Kent between 84 and 87, so if you need to bounce anything I can try to offer two cents. If I assume you're referencing KSU because of the shooting, my wife lived in Prentiss Hall and her room overlooked the parking lot. Ringside seat each year for the observances.
Hey, thanks!

It's strictly backstory (The current story takes place in 2008, unless it winds up in 2009) but that might wind up useful information, sooner or later.
You know where to find me. :-)
Reminds one of the Oscar Wilde bit, about spending all morning putting in a comma and all afternoon taking it out. Or was it vice-versa?
The comma dance! It is out raison d'etre.

Lol

And I thought those perfect hunks o writing simply rolled out of your brain perfectly-formed!

No, actually, this was a lovely blog post. Thank you. Both made me laugh and reminded me that being gifted isn't ever quite enough.

Re: Lol

*g*

Whatever narrative gifts I have, prose is not one of them. I work my *ass* off for the prose.

Structure and character, I will cop to.
Mostly off topic, but about word choice, most definitely.

Just finished Whiskey and Water, and the scene with Lucifer and the Unicorn near the end, well, most of my favorite books have a scene or two that make me cry and that isn't usually the sort of scene that does it, but I had to set the book down since it wasn't mine and water stains aren't indicated in the list of things to leave on others' books. Very wonderful.
Oh, thank you.

You know, I tell people that it was The Last Unicorn that made me want to be a writer, because Peter Beagle can make me be crying at the top of a paragraph and laughing at the end, and, well. Like that.

So thank you.
Thank you.

It's going in Part 8 of a multipart extravaganza, but when launch gets closer, there will, yes, be much pimping here.
LOL I love these glimpses into your process.

It reminds me of my husband and I arguing all evening over a single sentence for a programming book we were writing. Repeatedly.
Hee.

It's easier when you're collaborating, for me.

You can leave the sucky sentences to annoy the other guy.
Have you tried Alchemy yet? That's got me hooked even more than Bejeweled.
I don't love it as much...