it's a great life, if you don't weaken (matociquala) wrote,
it's a great life, if you don't weaken

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Cat v. Monkey--absentee landlord

(the scene: a tiny apartment. present: a Cat. the Usual Monkey. Another Monkey. the monkeys have just returned from a long business trip.)

Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Usual Monkey: Cat, do you need clean water?
Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Usual Monkey: Cat, do you need dry food?
Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Usual Monkey: Cat, do you need stinky food?
Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Usual Monkey: Cat, do you need a clean litter box?
Usual Monkey: Cat, I do not know how to help you.
Cat: *wanders around making small pathetic noises*
Usual Monkey: *helpless in the face of this distress*
Other Monkey: Cat, do you want tuna?
Cat: *spurns tuna*
Other Monkey: ...
Other Monkey: You are not a real cat.
Cat: *will not be consoled*
Usual Monkey: *scritches and makes small talk*
Cat: *purrs, while pointing out that the world is shit and she, a lone small gray cat, is alone and swimming in it.*
Other Monkey: Maybe she wants-- heck, I dunno what she could want at this point.
Cat: Every time she comes over, she takes you away.
Usual Monkey: But she also sleeps on the couch and you get to play with her.
Other Monkey: And play glitter-ball-soccer all over the house at three AM, like a herd of elephants.
Cat: *looks innocent.* Surely that was the Other Cat.
Usual Monkey: Other cat?
Cat: Surely. For if there is another Monkey--one might even say an unUsual Monkey--might there not be also another Cat?
Usual Monkey: *Looks at Other unUsual Monkey*
unUsual Monkey: *Looks at Usual Monkey*
Usual Monkey: Did you see another cat?
unUsual Monkey: She makes enough noise for two.
Cat: Can you be sure? After all, it's in the dark that we Cats sing love-serenades to our glitter balls.
Usual Monkey: What puzzles me is where they go. I mean, it's a small apartment, and I buy a couple of glitter balls every two weeks or so. And they just vanish, poof. I fear what I will find when I move out. The Elephant's Graveyard of the glitter balls is in this apartment somewhere. And I do sweep under things.
Cat: (triumphantly) See? It wasn't me! It was the Elephants!
unUsual Monkey: Elephants?
Cat: The ones from the graveyard.
Usual Monkey: *sits down on the sofa*
Cat: LAP! YAY! *pounces on lap and curls up, purring and driving needle-sharp claws into the Monkey's flesh. The Monkey, inured, only flinches a little.*
unUsual Monkey: You could have said you wanted a lap.
Cat: And ruin the game?
unUsual Monkey: ...
Usual Monkey: Don't feel bad. Usually I'm the straight man.

Tags: cat vs. monkey, presumptuous cat
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