it's a great life, if you don't weaken (matociquala) wrote,
it's a great life, if you don't weaken

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cat v. monkey, commencing at approximately 6 pm last night...

~6 pm

Cat: Monkey?
Monkey: ???
Cat: Monkey?
Monkey: ???
Cat: Monkey!?
Monkey: ???
Cat: Monkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkey!!!
Monkey: O Cat, what is it?
Cat: My feet are cold.
Monkey: That's because it's December.
Cat: But my feet. Are cold.
Monkey: So come sit on the lap blanket and warm them up. I will even point the laptop vent at you.
Cat: Clearly you do not understand the gravity of this situation.
Monkey: I am offering a simple solution to your problem, is all.
Cat: Isn't that just like a man.
Monkey: ...
Cat: I come to you with an emotional appeal, and you offer practicalities.
Monkey: In case it has escaped your notice, Cat, I am a female monkey. And actually, I'm not a monkey at all. I'm a great ape. An East African Plains Ape, to be specific, chiefly descended of the Northern European population.
Cat: How can you be an East African Plains Ape from Europe? That doesn't make any sense.
Monkey: Your scientific acumen is clearly lacking. My ancestors originated in East Africa and were both migratory, and highly successful in their ecological niche. But we started off on the savannah.
Cat: Where my ancestors ate yours.
Monkey: That's as may be, and there's certainly some evidence in the fossil record to indicate that it's a possibility. But I ask you, O Cat: who gave whom the water from which can of tuna today?
Cat: That's just because you have thumbs.
Monkey: See above, highly successful in my ecological niche. Which, right now, is under this laptop. Warming your feet. If you still want them warmed.
Cat: ...
Cat: ...push over.

~2:15 am

Cat: *pesters*
Cat: *pesters*
Cat: *pesters*
Cat: *pesters*
Monkey: *rolls over*
Cat: *pesters*
Monkey: *pulls cat under covers*
Cat: *offended*
Cat: *stalks off in a huff*

~3:15 am

Cat: *pursues glitter ball around bedroom*
Monkey: *ignores*
Cat: *serenades glitter ball*
Monkey: *ignores*
Cat: *sings arias to glitter ball*
Monkey: *ignores*
Cat: *croons ballads to glitter ball*
Monkey: *throws pillow*
Cat: This never happened to Cyrano de Bergerac.

~4:15 am

Cat: *snuggles*
Monkey: *snuggles*
Cat: *snuggles*
Monkey: *snuggles*
Cat: *snuggles*
Monkey: *snuggles*
Cat: *begins to retch convulsively*
Cat: *continues retching*
Monkey: *ejects cat*
Cat: *hideous barfing noises beside the bed*
Monkey: *makes note to be careful where she puts her feet in the morning, and decides it's too cold to get up anyway*
Cat: *nonchalantly returns to bed and sits on monkey's face*

~7:15 am:

Monkey: *wakes up*
Monkey: *remembers presumptive cat vomit*
Monkey: *inspects floor beside bed before putting feet down*
Monkey: Cat?
Cat: Mrr?
Monkey: What happened to the kitty barf?
Cat: Kitty barf?
Monkey: The Incident at ~4:15 am?
Cat: No idea what you mean, old chap. Surely, you're mistaken.
Monkey: ...ghost barf.

...I dunno, man. Maybe the poltergeist cleaned up.
Tags: cat vs. monkey, presumptuous cat

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