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bear by san

March 2017

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criminal minds hotch save your life

my past is warpaint

Dear internets:

My Persian lime and my Buddha's hand citron both have buds on them.

Yes, I am contemplating a hideous, Skullcrusher Mountain-esque misbreeding experiment. Although I am somewhat lacking in monkeys.

Also, I am amused that after climbing tonight, my hands are so tired I can barely squeeze the plant mister. Also, I scraped up my left hand when I came off the wall on an overhang. But I will beat that damned thing one of these days.

More upper body strength. And perhaps less of me. Rar!

And, for your delectation, another night of writers bitching about their stories in a working chat...

(Warning! Very politically incorrect. Also, involves a lot of jokes that are not really funny, except that they are, and even then are probably only funny if you (a) engage in some frustrating artistic endeavor and (b) watch television shows or movies about serial killers, or have the kind of library of unpleasant books about criminology that I do.)



[22:01] leahbobet: *beats story for sucking*
[22:01] leahbobet: I only do this because you make me so angry.
[22:02] kafkonia: Help! Help! Patriarchal oppression of narratives!
[22:02] leahbobet: If you were a good story like all those other ones, I wouldn't have to hurt you, baby.
[22:02] retrobabble: heee
[22:02] kafkonia: *steals story*
[22:02] retrobabble: I say that and they laugh at me.
[22:02] kafkonia: Show me on the manuscript where the bad writer touched you...
[22:02] retrobabble: *dies*
[22:02] leahbobet: all over, baby, all over.
[22:02] katallen: heee
[22:02] jmeadows: *scrubs eyes*
[22:03] leahbobet: (Kelly, I suspect it's giving me the finger and sauntering off to see its other girlfriend now.)
[22:03] retrobabble: (You're just saying that to make me feel better.)
[22:03] retrobabble: (But I'll take it, damit)
[22:03] retrobabble: ok. I continue with novel revising.
[22:04] retrobabble: Do you know I couldn't even touch this for most of the year
[22:04] retrobabble: Now I forgot what I was revising.
[22:04] leahbobet: Hatred or too busy?
[22:04] retrobabble: :p
[22:04] retrobabble: too busy
[22:04] retrobabble: although I'm sure ennui played a part
[22:04] leahbobet: I hear small children die of that. :/
[22:05] retrobabble: I figured if I put all the time over the past 3 years on this novel
[22:05] retrobabble: it amounts to less than 5 months of full-time
[22:05] kafkonia: John Cleese had a case of ennui in a fumetti I read once.
[22:05] kafkonia: I am constantly amazed by the crap in my head.
[22:05] retrobabble: except my brain keeps trying to keep up with you lot
[22:05] leahbobet: *dies of ennui*
[22:05] retrobabble: silly brain
[22:06] leahbobet: *and stories that don't love me enough to put out*
[22:06] retrobabble: I love that word. *pets*
[22:06] retrobabble: It's fun to say
[22:06] leahbobet: it is.
[22:06] stillsostrange: No stories love me lately
[22:06] retrobabble: I didn't know they were supposed to
[22:06] matociquala: Mine hate me.
[22:06] kafkonia: They don't have to love you, they just have to let you fiddle with'em for a few minutes til you're done.
[22:06] matociquala: I force myself on them anyway
[22:06] leahbobet: ...
[22:06] leahbobet: what Jamie said.
[22:07] leahbobet: Lie back and think of England, story.
[22:07] stillsostrange: Maybe I need some rohypnol, or ketamine...
[22:07] retrobabble: I want that on a t-shirt, Leah
[22:07] matociquala: Didn't I make them a part-monkey, part pony monster?
[22:07] leahbobet: hee.
[22:07] matociquala: Isn't it enough that I ruined a pony for them?
[22:07] leahbobet: It will be the battle cry of the working writer.
[22:08] leahbobet: Through rain and sleet and deepest snow, we hack our way to the deadline. :-P
[22:08] kafkonia: It'll only hurt for a second.
[22:09] hawkwing_lb: once more into the breach, dear friends
[22:09] hawkwing_lb: (I suspect that one doesn't work so well as a battle cry)
[22:09] katallen: yeah, I was thinking
[22:09] leahbobet: (in the context, that's actually really filthy)
[22:10] hawkwing_lb: (of course, Leah)
[22:10] matociquala: I has eatsed cereal and made ginger peach tea
[22:10] matociquala: the cat is telling me what a waking nightmare is her life
[22:10] leahbobet: hee.
[22:10] katallen: poor Mebd
[22:10] matociquala: Leah is about to inform her story that if it doesn't put out it doesn't need to eat
[22:10] matociquala: another typical night in chat
[22:11] katallen: which is accurate
[22:11] leahbobet: It doesn't even need to pretend it likes it.
[22:11] leahbobet: Just lie down and stop scratching me.
[22:11] kafkonia: I feel so dirty.
[22:11] stillsostrange: ...
[22:11] leahbobet: ...
[22:11] leahbobet: (okay, this is going to a bad place.)
[22:11] stillsostrange: defensive injuries!
[22:11] katallen: I may have been put off writing for life :P
[22:11] matociquala: Leah's the UNSUB!
[22:11] leahbobet: (maybe I'll just go make some more tea.)
[22:11] leahbobet: *is clean*
[22:11] kafkonia: It just walked into a door.
[22:12] matociquala: Next thing you know, Story wakes up drugged and chained in a barn.
[22:12] leahbobet: If I gave it a barn and some nice downers, would it let me finish that middle scene?
[22:12] kafkonia: Are we making a tortureporn movie about writing now? Like Saw for writers?
[22:12] matociquala: try the bastinado.
[22:12] leahbobet: *beats*
[22:13] matociquala: *story tries to maintain that it's not a liar*
[22:13] hawkwing_lb: (and if Leah does the thing with the dogs to her story, no one tell me later, k?)
[22:13] kafkonia: A sack full of oranges won't leave bruises, I'm told.
[22:13] leahbobet: It's got snot all over it now. :/
[22:13] matociquala: *even though it's obviously made of fiction*
[22:13] katallen: there's a lot of truth in fiction
[22:13] leahbobet: LOL
[22:13] kafkonia: Really really?
[22:13] leahbobet: really really.
[22:13] kafkonia: Really really.
[22:13] katallen: she's gone man, real gone
[22:13] matociquala: (this is the really real world)
[22:13] katallen: really really
[22:13] matociquala: (there ain't no coming back)
[22:14] leahbobet: Maybe if I show it other stories on screens and say I'll write them instead it'll capitulate.
[22:14] katallen: unless you're a buddhist
[22:14] matociquala: What you can do is make a training tape, Leah
[22:14] matociquala: Make an example of one of the other stories
[22:14] matociquala: and make it watch
[22:14] kafkonia: Tie it up and make it watch you with a real story.
[22:14] matociquala: then it will know what happens to stories that don't cooperate.
[22:15] katallen: but it'll happen anyway
[22:15] leahbobet: *asks story if it wants to have a party*
[22:15] matociquala: *story sniffles*
[22:15] stillsostrange: story chili!
[22:15] matociquala: *still kind of snotty*
[22:16] matociquala: *maintains it's not a sinner*
[22:16] matociquala: *studio audience not so sure*
[22:16] matociquala: ...okay, I just went to a world where Criminal Minds has a laugh track.
[22:17] katallen: o.o
[22:17] leahbobet: ...
[22:17] katallen: of people who've been dead for twenty years?
[22:17] leahbobet: . . .
[22:17] matociquala: yeah
[22:17] leahbobet: *snap*
[22:17] matociquala: That was the stressor
[22:17] leahbobet: *devolves rapidly*
[22:17] leahbobet: *abducts more stories and cuts bits off them*
[22:18] matociquala: make the first story pick how they die
[22:18] matociquala: that'll be fun
[22:18] katallen: that's the sad thing... they just shouldn't get in the car
[22:18] leahbobet: *locks them in a trunk and asks them if they're afraid now*
[22:18] stillsostrange: Oh yeah, I have frozen pad thai
[22:18] kafkonia: I'm going to have nightmares now.
[22:19] stillsostrange: we'll see how this turns out
[22:19] katallen: :: pets Jamie::
[22:19] kafkonia: Or sexy Leah dreams.
[22:19] kafkonia: Probably nightmares.
[22:19] katallen: you already were having bad dreams
[22:19] stillsostrange: Nightmares of Bear waking you up at 6 in the morning to torture you. :P
[22:19] leahbobet: heeee
[22:19] kafkonia: I hope not.
[22:20] matociquala: *does not torture*
[22:20] matociquala: *prefers ethical dilemmas*
[22:20] katallen: hah!
[22:20] leahbobet: Bear is the WTF killer.
[22:20] matociquala: *locks three stories in a small room and gives them two hammers*
[22:20] leahbobet: Wake, torture, flee.
[22:20] stillsostrange: heee
[22:20] leahbobet: (for breakfast)
[22:21] matociquala: Somebody needs to blog this.
[22:21] leahbobet: Ooh, if you give them a puzzle saw it's revising. *g*
[22:21] matociquala: ooo
[22:21] stillsostrange: heee
[22:21] katallen: ow
[22:21] matociquala: Anybody mind if I save it for posterity?
[22:21] leahbobet: go for it. *g*
[22:22] jmeadows: no wonder your stories hate you
[22:22] jmeadows: *sniff*
[22:22] jmeadows: *pets stories*
[22:22] jmeadows: *gives them chocolate*
[22:22] leahbobet: Hmm, Jodi's stories love her.
[22:22] kafkonia: That's a real niche market, Leah.
[22:22] retrobabble: That's because she bribes them
[22:22] leahbobet: Maybe we should try making characters wet themselves until they comply...
[22:22] kafkonia: I couldn't stop you if I wanted to. :)
[22:23] jmeadows: that only kind of works, Leah. someone makes me take it out of almost every story :P
[22:23] leahbobet: hee.
[22:23] katallen: ::sniffles::

Comments

"A sack full of oranges won't leave bruises, I'm told." I think I've been plot bunnied. Fifteen pounds of pure bunny :)
Now remember. We're humorless feminists.

Don't try this at home. ;-)
Hee!

That's so bad.

Yet so funny.

I feel dirty and jolly all at once.
we're such terrible human beings.
Oh, that made me laugh, and laugh, and laugh....

Just so you know! Sack of oranges WILL leave bruises.
I know.


Note: testing this theory out on your bf after an afternoon spent drinking tequila and eating sushi is not such a good idea.

*evil grin*
....

I dunno, sounds like a saturday afternoon to me...
It's all peachy for a Saturday afternoon, it's the Sunday morning coming down (and wishing lord that I was stoned) that isn't quite as much fun. :P
OMG. This made me laugh so hard I think I pulled something.

*goes off to do yoga before bed, in the faint hope she didn't actually pull a muscle*
I think we win some kind of sheer density of impenetrable pop culture reference award, anyway. From Gorey to the Crow to Jonathan Coulton to Monty Python to Saw to gangster movies to serial killer TV in one brief interlude, with side trips into Shakespeare.

Writers.

Brains like rubbish heaps. :-P
Yes, but I think you created a slice of nerd-vana there. *giggle*
hahahaha ohhhh god.

*uses worst, in context, icon she could possibly ever use*
And I totally miss the context...
Criminal Minds with a laugh track... That's just seven flavors of wrongness. /shudders/

But the IMs were great fun to play voyeur with. You reminded me why I love the premise behind anthropomor_fic even if the execution doesn't quite thrill me nearly enough.
Hee.

Yeah.

Criminal Minds with laugh track... that would be... subversive....
I feel the same way. I kept laughing and my boyfriend would look over my shoulder like "what's so funny?" and I just kept saying, you wouldn't get it...I swear...
It just had to hit just right.
Leah's totally the unsub. She's got a barn RIGHT THERE.
We do what it takes to get the words on the page. :D
Why would CM need a laugh track? I can always tell when I'm meant to laugh during it and do so heartily.

What?

MKK
Ehe.

*pets*

Stay in your happy place, MKK....
WATCH OUT FOR THE KILLER LOGGING TRUCK!
Loaded with old growth or teensy-tiny pecker poles?

(snark!)
Very funny, thanks for sharing. Since my own creative endeavor was architecture school, I imagined this conversation taking place in that environment. It is even funnier (to me) when everyone is literally holding an exacto knife over their projects at the time.
Ehe. Yeah.
Now I'm sad I left when I did. :)
Go for the merger. It may not take, but there's no reason why it's not worth trying. (Alternately, if you really want to have fun, start grafting buds from one onto the other. The current record is 32 different grafts on one tree, so you could have a lot of fun.)
I have a meyer lemon and a kaffir lime, too.

This could get... Frankensteinian. "Maybe I shouldn't have used so many monkeys!"

I do want a citron, though, and it only has one spray of blooms. So I think I will self-pollinate those flowers, and do two of the lime's branches in limes and one from the citron.

I'm so excited! They have never bloomed before!

My crown of thorns are going nuts, though. Everything likes the south windows in winter.