it's a great life, if you don't weaken (matociquala) wrote,
it's a great life, if you don't weaken
matociquala

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Dear universe:

For my next life, I have a very few requests.

1) I would like to be neurochemically normal, or at least passably so. (I know, I know, it's the disad trade for the weird-wired brain, and you can't have one without the other. Still, I had like four glorious weeks of neurochemical balance last fall, and wow, it has made me greedy.)
2) I would like not to be a trauma survivor. Or you know, I realize that everybody is a trauma survivor of one sort or another, but do you think you could maybe pick one or two things, rather than the 17 movies showing multiplex of fucked-up I got?
3) I would rather not be a prickly self-centered overdefended asshole.

Or if all three of those is too big a request for one incarnation, if I could just get it cut back to one or two?

Thanks,

much love,

Bear.


Functionally, what I think is going on right now is that I'm moving out of the anger phase of my grief over my PTSD, and into the despair phase.

And I know this is progress, on a geologic scale, and hey, denial lasted a good fifteen years. ("I'm fine." And everybody who knew me when I was twenty probably just wet themselves laughing.) So I should be pleased with myself that we're getting through all this faster now.

But you know what?

I fucking liked anger better.



I'm leaving comments active on this post, but I may not answer many. That's not about you, okay?
Tags: adult survivor
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