it's a great life, if you don't weaken (matociquala) wrote,
it's a great life, if you don't weaken
matociquala

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Cat V. Monkey: The Wreckoning


Cat:
Monkey, what are you doing?
Monkey: Making you a bed by lining this wonderful cardboard box with the fleece that the long-haired monkey brought you.
Cat: Ooo. The long-haired monkey. She spoils me treats me with the dignity my royal rank deserves.
Monkey: Well, here. Now you have a box. With a nice fleece in it. And I am going to put all your toys in it, so they have a place to live that isn't, you know, in my shoes, or under my pillows, or tucked into bed beside me....
Cat: You're housecleaning. Nesting monkeys make me suspicious.
Monkey: I'm making my bed.
Cat: Is a made bed like a made guy?
Monkey: Grandma let you watch The Sopranos again, didn't she? Wow, there are a lot of glitterballs in this house. How come you've pulled all the glitter out of just the green ones?
Cat: Ooo! Throw that one!
Monkey: What if I throw the pink one? It still has glitter.
Cat: *studiously ignores pink glitterball* I like the green ones.
Monkey: ...aren't cats only supposed to have color vision on the red end of the spectrum? How can you possibly like the green ones when you can't see green?
Cat: The inadequacies of your primitive science are not my concern. Hey! What are you doing with My Glitterballs?
Monkey: I have to pick up your toys so I can sweep. The floor is crunchy.
Cat: No robot?
Monkey: It's too late for the robot. We have neighbors.
Cat: I remain unconvinced.
Monkey: Here. What happens when I put some catnip in the box with the toys?
Cat: Ooo. Box! Best box ever! Box!
Monkey: *snickers*

(later)

Cat: Monkey, what are you doing on the talking box? Are you talking to the cat that beeps again?
Monkey: I'm ordering you some new sheets and pillows And a new comforter. To replace our ten twelve year old ones, which we've had since before we got married, let alone divorced.
Cat: I remember married. It had those Other Cats. We were not amused.
Monkey: Yeah. The cats the ex liked, so he got to keep them.
Cat: Exactly. Hey! Was that a subtle, left-handed insult?
Monkey: Not exactly.
Cat: (Unplacated) Besides, you didn't have enough sheets when the other monkeys were here this summer.
Monkey: This is also true. Now we will have more sheets.
Cat: But the best ones are still for me, aren't they?
Monkey: Considering that you usually sleep on my hair, I think we can assure that.
Cat: Wait a minute. Does extra sheets and pillows mean the other monkeys are coming back?
Monkey: Not immediately.
Cat: But eventually?
Monkey: Possibly.
Cat: Does this mean the long-haired monkey is coming back?
Monkey: Possibly.
Cat: And the red monkey?
Monkey: ...possibly.
Cat: ...and the yellow monkey?
Monkey: The one whose hair you slept on? I bet she'd rather come back if she knows she'll be able to lift her head off the pillow in the morning.
Cat: That wasn't a denial.
Monkey: ...it's possible. She might bring a squirt gun next time, though.
Cat: I don't believe you. You are a cruel and mocking Monkey.
Monkey: Pretty much learned it at home, yep.
Cat: Four monkeys. Four! Monkeys! With that many servants, my place in Ulthar is assured!
Monkey: ...excuse me?
Cat: Oh, um, nothing. What's the best way to suffocate a monkey, again? I'm thinking of, uh, writing a story. Yeah. Hey, have you ever heard of a made cat?
Tags: cat vs. monkey, presumptuous cat
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