it's a great life, if you don't weaken (matociquala) wrote,
it's a great life, if you don't weaken
matociquala

  • Mood:

More on that sentence-level thing....

Another trip along the editor's pen:

As if his words--or maybe the smell of brewing coffee--had been a summoning, Todd appeared in the doorway clutching a grease-spotted paper shopping bag by the handles.

Mm. No.

As if his words--or the smell of brewing coffee--had been a summoning, Todd appeared in the doorway clutching the handles of a grease-spotted paper shopping bag.

Mm. Maybe. But not quite.

As if his words--or the smell of cheap coffee--had been an invocation, Todd materialized in the doorway clutching the handles of a grease-spotted paper shopping bag.

There we go.
Tags: the writer at work
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