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bear by san

March 2017

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writing literature vonnegut

but in my room, wish you were dead

Monkey: Hey, how did the sink wind up full of dishes? Didn't I wash all of those before I went to bed?
Cat: Maybe the poltergeist got hungry in the night?
Monkey: Hey, didn't we have some tunafish? What's with all the tins in the recycling?
Cat: Well, it's not like you can expect my friends to drink beer.
Monkey: ...your friends?
Cat: You're a sound sleeper.
Monkey: Well, I guess a kitchen full of crumbs would be a good excuse to try out my new and desperately-needed hand vacuum...
Cat: What is that little green thing?
Monkey: It's a device for removing cat hair from furniture.
Cat: That's... unholy.
Monkey: ...of course, the best solution would be to remove the hair directly from the cat, now that I think about it.
Cat: Get back, monkey. I have claws.
Monkey: Hmm. Whirring brush, do you think, or crevice tool?
Cat: You'll rue the day!!!!!

Comments

I love Reel Big Fish.
"Sell out! with me, oh yeah! Sell out! with me tonight. The record company's gonna gimme lotsa money and everything's gonna be all right..."
Those rollers that are masking tape rolled backwards on a core? Don't work so well if you try and lint-roll the cat.
Oh my, threatening Cat with a crevice tool. Monkey should sleep with one eye open tonight...
What variety of unholy device is this? It sounds exceptionally useful for my home, which I share with 5 cats.
It's a hand vacuum.
Like a Dustbuster? I haven't been vacuum shopping in a really long time. They have crevice tools now? Fancy.

Though if I ever hear that a Roomba does well on cat hair and long human hair, I'll get one. And be appropriately amused when the cats decide to gang up on the monkeys that taunt them so.
""Rue the day," Who talks like that?"
Cats.
Soda.
Nose.
Keyboard.

Real Genius!
This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "I drank what?"
I thought there were 'I promised a what to who?'
Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
Athwartly.
Okay, this deserves a long comment.

A good friend of mine used to live in a San Francisco apartment with a long hall from the front door to the back of the apartment and all the rooms coming off that hall. She had it set up so her living room was at the back.

One night, she came home at 2 in the morning, an hour when she would have been more likely to stay with her girlfriend than come home. As she opened the door, a cat ran out past her, startling her.

When she went to the back living room (near the open window that her cat used to get to the back deck), she found five more cats, including hers ...

... in a circle surrounding one small terrified mouse.

Her cat's look was unmistakably, "Mom! I didn't know you were coming home!"

She scooped up the mouse and put it outside and the cats scattered.
that is an awesome story, thank you for sharing
I've often thought that the only good use for Flobee is on the cats. They'd never let me close enough, unfortunately.
For removing hair directly from the cat, I recommend the FURminator. Applied to a Maine Coon, you can wind up with enough fur to make a new cat.

Though central vacuuming also has its merits: it puts the scary engine noise a long way from the cat. I knew one woman whose cat (big longhaired ginger tabby) would chase down the housekeeper when she was vacuuming; she would say “assume the position!” and the cat would stretch out to be vacuumed. He loved it.