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bear by san

March 2017



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that crushing, crashing, atom-smashing, white-hot thing...

Yeah, I'm tired, and my fingers and my bad shoulder hurt like blazes.  The hip that's been bugging me since Friday's yoga class seems to have fixed itself, however.

I have made the executive decision to cancel that job interview tomorrow. The panic attack this afternoon was a pretty good sign that it was a bad idea. I think I am too old to go without sleep until November. Back to the drawing board.

Fortunately, today was a climbing day, and climbing is the best anxiety interrupt I know.

And there were four new routes! (Extra yay because that kept me busy enough that I did not throw myself at my &(*&^*&^(*&^(* project wall today. Since I hate my project wall, this made me happy.)

I tried all of them, sent three (one of them fairly well, one moderately well, one with thrashing) and just about killed myself repeatedly on the first two moves of the fourth one. I reall hope they rate that thing a 5.10, because I am putting it on my project wall list.

I think the other three are probably 5.8, 5.9-, and a solid 5.9/5.9+. That last one, which is a white route near the door, has a lot to teach me. Unfortunately, this means I am going to have to keep climbing the damned thing until I get good at it.

I reduced the complaint department's diazepam dosage by half; she seems perkier, and is being much more obnoxious, talkative, and pushy than she had been. More like herself, in other words. She's currently asserting her dominance by washing my wrists while I try to type. The litter box discipline has remained a lot better (though I hope Iam not jinxing myself by saying so). I think we'll try this regimen for a while and see how it works.

And now I think I will go fall over, because I need to get up in the morning and write another six pages of Grail.


if you canceled the job application because you are anxious about change...... thats wrong.
if you canceled it because you felt it was really wrong for you? thats right.

you do what is best for you, regardless of what anyone else says. misery isnt worth any paycheck.

glad the kitty is better!
I have four novels due this year. No matter how much I need the health coverage, I just can't hold down the equivalent of three full-time jobs simultaneously.

I deeply understand your quandary.
nope, you cant. you would end up affecting your health enough to make that health coverage. probably work harder than you would like.

i dont see how you manage 4 novels a year, myself...... good luck
Thanks. *g*

(I work most of my waking hours, is how. :-P)
To paraphrase Miles Vorkosigan, a tactical retreat isn't automatically a bad reaction to a surprise. You saw that phrase "the panic attack this afternoon"? I would agree that one should not cut off possibilities because one is "anxious about change"; however, if one is having panic attacks about some near-future event that one can control, I ain't gonna criticize bailing for now.
Or possibly there's sense in listening to one's nonverbal brain telling one that one is about to get one's self in way over one's head. You find me twenty-odd hours a week I don't already need for other things, and I'll take 'em.

I wasn't asking for anyone's approval. I made a decision that I think is healthy for me, and I honestly don't care what anybody else thinks of it.

And honey, anybody who thinks I'm scared of change or hard work doesn't know me very well.

i guess i am not making myself clear at all.

i said "if" its fear of change, then dont let that be a deciding vote
but if its a case of "no this is bad for me" that IS the deciding vote.

i live with panic attacks. they can happen for good or bad reasons. they can happen because i am just stressed and they have nothing to do with the immediate situation... or they can be telling me i need to stop this.
when i have a panic attack i need to figure out if it is telling me something i need to know, or just a reaction to loud noise, stress, illness, and whatever.

and i SAID you need to make a decision that is healthy for you, no matter what.... and that a paycheck isnt worth your health.

apparently both of you are reading this completely the opposite of how i meant it.
i am sorry!
that isnt what i meant. but i have no idea why it looks that way to you!
I'm sorry, too. I am obviously crabby and defensive about this--because I feel like I SHOULD be doing this.

If I were a responsible, disciplined adult, I would find a way to make it work, right?

But man, there are limits to even my endurance. And I think I may be at them.
everyone has hot buttons and crabby days.
but i guess i was just not being clear? just like proofreading, though. i cant see it.

everyone has limits. they are different not onlyt for each person, but each area of your life and each TIME of your life . If you try to do more than is good for you, you make yourself sick.. one way or another.

"should be able to" oh i know that one too well.
its what makes it hard , for me, to tell the difference between "no, really. stop" and "unrelated panic attack" the feeling that i *should* be able to do something.
it hit me hardest with my neck/arm injury. really, i *should* be able to pick that up, sew, do the stuff i had always done.... nope, not for years.

any chance you can incorporate to buy health insurance for yourself? i knwo a few people who did that... the finances get tricky, but it may be a possibility
How are you not a responsible, disciplined adult? It's a lot easier to hold down a "regular job" and let someone else control the structure of your working life than it is to independently write for a living.
i wasnt trying to criticize.
i was saying that having no data other than the post i can only say:
if its just fear of the unknown, maybe you should try to work through it
if its a reaction to "this is asking too much" then you *shouldn't* do it.

and i pointed out that "no amount of paycheck is worth misery" because thats your health.

i am sorry if it came off as criticism, but i really dont see how it does, when i stated its not worth your health.....

i have had panic attacks before. they sck, majorly.
And probably not my place to have taken you to task for how it read to me, anyway.

I suspect 3 full-time jobs simultaneously would result in using that new health coverage a lot more than you wanted, I would think. That's how it's always worked for me when I've tried things of that nature.

Glad the kitty is better! And best of luck with everything else!
Heh. I suspect you are right.
Have you looked into the Charter Oak health plan? It's our great state's health insurance plan for adults who have been uninsured for more than six months. The premiums are sliding-scale income-based and the co-pays are fairly low. Finding specialists who take it can be a little tricky, since it's state-funded, but for the most part it's an excellent program.
I have. Last time I looked into it, I couldn't afford it, but my living situation is different now and I might be able to make it work.

(There are drawbacks to getting paid as erratically as I do. Budgeting is complicated.)
That last one, which is a white route near the door, has a lot to teach me. Unfortunately, this means I am going to have to keep climbing the damned thing until I get good at it.

I love the Falling Is Learning school of thought. Good luck!
Sometimes it's learning; sometimes it's just falling.

On this one, it's learning. *g*

The trick is to find routes that hit a sweet spot--stuff you can *almost* do.
Is a 5.10 tougher than a 5.9? And if so, shouldn't it be a 6.0? (My thesaurus does this to me, dividing sections 551.9, 551.10, 551.11... Drives me bonkers. By me, 5.1x comes below 5.2, every time...)
No, because 6 and up is aid climbing.

1 is a nice walk. 2 is a hike. 3 is a stiff hike. 4 is scrambling. 5 is technical climbing. 6 is aid climbing/mountaineering.
Ah, right. It is like Roget, then: index theory, rather than number theory. Thanks!
Wikipedia has the handy-dandy guide. There used not to be any climbs that could be climbed unaided over 5.9. Then, well, improvements to equipment happened, so the grade system changed to be open-ended.

(I find this stuff kind of fascinating. If I had sufficient time, I might become a history-of-climbing geek, but, well. Too many hobbies as it is.)

The hardest climb in the world is a 5.15b. In the French system, which is the one I'm used to, that's a 9b. A terrifying number.

(Sorry for getting my geek all over your lj, matociquala.)
Thank you! *loves geekery*
I am in no way trying to give you advice or suggest you haven't researched all your options, but I just found this organization the other day, so in case you haven't seen it? http://www.freelancersunion.org/
Ooh, I was in that quandary three months ago, only I took the job. While I'm grateful for the paycheck, my daily life is a morass of fuzziness, exhaustion, and crappy writing.

Trust your gut. Things are Getting Done, but I would not wish how I feel on anyone, and some days I'd just rather be eating the ramen and shutting off the heater.
Hey. Thanks.

Courage. We will get through.
I'm sorry about the panic attack, but I'm glad you aren't going to try and kill yourself working. An overworked and overwrought Bear is not a happy Bear.

I wish there was a workable solution out there.