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bear by san

March 2017



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rengeek fucking silence

i walked these streets before i ever knew your name

Well, I got the Missing Scene for Ch. 7 of Grail written to the tune of 580 words. This was all harder than it had to be because of a massive attacks of bad brain chemicals*. Now I am consoling myself with milkfat (hot cocoa) and booze (schnapps). And there is delivery Indian on the way. Sadly, I suppose the funny man with the lovely phone voice is not on the menu....

...yeah, that would be the schnapps on an empty stomach talking.

This is a sad, sad excuse for a snowpocalypse so far.

Left on tonight's to-do list:

Eat my weight in curry and poori
Front page thingy for SU
Edit next chapter
Blog post for Charlie's Diary
Sign and package books and postcards to mail (this is so getting bumped to tomorrow)
Watch Criminal Minds and Leverage.

*I'm out about this, but I don't talk about it much because it's boring. I'm ultra-rapid-cycling (ultradian) bipolar I with comorbid post-traumatic stress. However, I have been this way for a long fucking time, and it's old now. But I guess as some sort of Minor Internet Celebrity (who does she think she is?) it's incumbent upon me to represent for the Bad Brain  Chemical crowd.

Normally, my bad brain chemicals are pretty amenable to exercise as a treatment option, but today all the running and yoga did were change me from irritated, anxious, self-hating, and sad to sad sad sad. Of course, I've had so much cognitive training and self-training at this point that I am more or less capable of looking at that and going "Gee, that's totally neurochemical!" and then tracking down the trigger and intellectualizing the hell out of it.

Which does not actually make me less sad or triggery or whatever. But it does keep me from acting on it.

Bipolar has such a high suicide rate because it's so much fucking work.


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Poori, butter chicken, lamb madras, paneer masala.

Life is good.

And mah belleh is ROUND.
As long as you keep the sad, sad excuse for a snowpocalypse over by you, and don't try to send it back this way...

*I'm out about this, but I don't talk about it much because it's boring.

Yeah, that's how I feel about my bad brain chemicals, too.

That being said, I, personally, still find it helpful to hear successful, functioning adults talk about living with their bad brain chemicals, so thank you for being out and awesome.

Boo on the Bad Brain Chemicals.

...but, YAY chapter 7, cocoa, schnapps and delivery Indian!

*is hugely jealous of the delivery Indian.*
Hey, you're welcome. I don't always feel all that successful and functioning, but then I remember that I'm supposed to be dead by now, or a hopeless addict, and I feel better.

It's not just delivery Indian. It's pretty DECENT delivery Indian.

New place, India Kitchen, which I am pimping to anybody in my town who will listen.
Bad brain chemicals are no fun. I heartily approve of the cocoa and schnapps for remediation.

I should remember that mine are responsive to exercise-plus-music, ad Gothercise more.
Exercise is often sovereign.

I felt very betrayed this week when it was not helping.
Bad brain chemicals can be shite to deal with. It's useful to me that I know about mine and have figured out some things that improve or worsen them.

La la brains are strange la.

Thank you for sharing this, and more importantly, thank you for being genuine even though I'm sure you don't know a lot of us well or at all.

It helps to hear other people talk about it, yanno? Then it's not a guilty horrible secret anymore. It's just an illness.
You may have bad brain chemicals, but there's nothing wrong with your heart.

In a shattering irony, there's a thing on NPR RIGHT NOW about how there's a push on to change the DSM to add a new category for juveniles with what looks like bipolar as Something Else.


Thank you!

Which does not actually make me less sad or triggery or whatever. But it does keep me from acting on it.

Bipolar has such a high suicide rate because it's so much fucking work.

Trying to explain this to some people (even those who are supposed to be professionals in the field) is annoying at best and murder-inducing at worst.

I am finding out that I dread the start of an upswing because I can see the inevitable crash when the chemicals flip.

Re: Thank you!

Yeah. I've been diagnosed since first grade. It's boring.

I do like hypomania (so productive!) and I love the serene times.
As someone else with a set of bad brain chemistry, thank you for being open about this. There are so very many misconceptions about being bipolar, that it's sometimes easier to pretend that everything is just fine.
And you're absolutely right about it being a lot of work. Oy.
And if I ever become a serial killer, I'll have a convenient excuse.
Bipolar has such a high suicide rate because it's so much fucking work.

Amen to that. Although I had some level of symptoms for years, mine did not kick in full-force until after the birth of my third child, but it took years for it to get diagnosed.

Re: Bipolar has such a high suicide rate because it's so much fucking work.

oh man. It would be nice to just get through a day without second-guessing everything, wouldn't it?
As a bipolar person, I am commenting to say: Thank you! I think if more of us were out about it, some people would feel less alone. :)

Also, I am jealous that you have access to delivery Indian food. :P
Yeah. It's nice to know we're not alone, yanno?

I have good delivery Indian and AAWESOME delivery pizza. Makes up for the inedible chinese available locally.
Mania sucks. I get the angry kind--it turns me into a homicidal maniac. I stay home those days.

Hypomania, though. I would like it if that were my base state. That's NICE. I wrote a book in three weeks once.

Hard on the meatpuppet, though.
It's like diaberes, only it's your BRAINZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, not the pancreas.

I really do wish we could flip that cultural switch, so that people didn't have to fight to think about it that way.

Also, I can, myself, live without the sense that I am stuck under a giant cast-iron cauldron, which doesn't happen often, but when it does--oh, man.

I hope the noms and the chocolate and the schnapps are kicking in and helping.

We almost had a snowpocalypse the other night, but it swung north a bit and we ended up with a little bitty SLUSH!!!!!!!tacular instead. So lame.
yeah. srsly.

Ours is missing to the south. AGAIN.
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