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bear by san

March 2017



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ace the wonder dog

i shall sink with my nose to the sunrise.

Dear Diary,


Today we got in the car and went to a place I didn't like. It seemed okay at first, because there were monkeys and other dogs and meat stuffies there, but then everybody smelled scared, and we had to sit in a room and wait, and wait, and wait, and then a nice girl monkey came in and made me get on a black thing, and it looked scary but it was rubber so it was okay when I stood on it, and she said I weighed 88.2 pounds! That's pretty big, I think.

Especially since I am a lap dog.

And then we waited some more and I had to put my head under the monkey's chair because I was worried, but then a male monkey came in and startled me and I growled, and I thought he would be upset, but after my monkey said "No!" and I apologized he was just as friendly as if we'd gotten off on good terms.

Except it turned out to be a trick! Because then the girl monkey came back and they stuck me with sharp things in my leg and on both flanks and then a big big big sharp thing in my scruff, which my monkey said was a "microchip" and I don't know, maybe she works for the CIA? Does it mean I'm crazy if I think people are sticking RFID chips under my skin?

It does, doesn't it?

And then the boy monkey poked at my ears and put a metal thing on my ribs and said I was healthy, and that I didn't have Lyme disease or Leptospirosis, but I did have arthritis in my shoulder where the Mean Dog bit me that time. So now my monkey says I get "supplements," which I think is another word for "treats."

And then we went out to the hallway and there was a lady golden retriever who was very pretty but she might have wanted to kill me. And another little thing that might have been a dog, and I sniffed it and it didn't kill me. It could have tried, though!  

So that is okay. And then my monkey gave me a stuffie, which she says is a hedgehog. It makes a gronking noise when you bite it. I put it in my supper dish for later. So that is okay too.

Even if I do have a microchip in my neck now.

Shots make me tired.

And in conclusion, WORST CAR RIDE EVER.


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Dear Ace,

You are not crazy. The microchip is an RFID chip.

But don't worry!

Your monkey had the other monkey put the chip there so that if you ever get separated from her, the monkeys who find you can help you get home safely.

And I know shots make you tired, but they are to keep you from getting very sick, and you should feel better tomorrow or the next day.

I am glad you get to have supplements that are treats, that you do not have Lyme Disease or Leptospirosis, and that nothing tried to kill you.

Did you remember to thank your monkey for giving you a hedgehog stuffie that makes a gronking noise?


JanetM, who admires you from afar and thinks you are a fine dog
Oh, poor GRD. Belle had her (vet - shhhh) visit last week - wish the no Lyme's was true for her. So now we have the antibiotic course.
ooch, poor girl.

Ace's shots were the Lyme and Lepto vac, which our vet says have come a long way and now block the bug in the dog as well as keeping it from getting out of the tick.

88.2 lbs, half of which is hair. ;-)

Poor GRD. Needles are no fun.
No, they're not. Do you suppose Ace would feel better knowing her monkey's had to have them too?
Dear Ace,

My monkey is sitting on my water dish so I am reading on his computer. I was having a bad day because I didn't like my breakfast or the cat's and no one would walk me for 8 hours like it should be. But I read this and I laughed and now I have to go because my monkey wants the desk back.

Your friend,

WUZZA, GRD. It could be worse. It could have been being taken away from your Monkey and given X-rays and a cast, which is just about the most humiliating thing ever, except for baths, which are the biggest humiliation in the world.

Just saying.

Signed, Emily, MRD (Mid-sized Rocket Dog)
Dear GRD,

Your monkey does not work for the CIA. She works for the U.N.C.L.E.

We all know it's true.

Love and skritches,
Wooooo, 88.2 pounds! Perfect lap size. ;)
Dear Ace,

"Supplements" is another word for treats! You are so right! Sometimes they even come with cheese wrapped around them. Mmmmm. Cheeeeeese.

Fond snuffles,
88 lbs? I always thought he was huger than that. I was imagining something in the 100+ range.
He's a petit flower.

Briards are actually quite tall and rangy dogs, under all that fluff. They're built to trot all day.

Here's one that's been cut down:

Dear Ace,

Yesterday I helped myself to a whole jar (I even opened it all by myself!) of the nummy sweet stuff the boxes of buzzy bugs in the backyard make and all three of my monkeys got all crazy even though I didn't spill any on the carpet, and took me for one of those kind of car rides. The nice monkey there told my monkeys to feed me rice for supper. Tell your monkey you need rice for supper, too. And snausages. Maybe your monkey will believe the snausages part...

Eowyn, who the monkeys call The Brazen Husky

(50-lb geriatric husky gnaws open and eats half-pint jar of honey. Excitement ensues.)
oh dears.
Dude! You are a Sekrit Agent now! That is so very cool! I wish I could be a Sekrit Agent, but my monkeys say I am not allowed to get involved in the Military-Industrial Complex and the National Security Apparatus, which may even be smart of them because when monkeys sa "apparatus" what they usually mean is "dangerous machinery" and that sort of stuff makes loud noises that hurt my ears. But at least I have my own chihuahua and she is my secret girlfriend, although she has been flirting a lot with Jack who is a spotted wiener dog and who knew wiener dogs came in spotted?
I had to have my ears doctored and that is no fun but there is usually a treat that goes with ear doctoring.

If only we did not have so many cats, especially that Jemmy who gets a little too friendly when he sniffs my butt and then rolls his eyes when I complain. My main monkey says he is the Quintessence of Evil. The other monkey says that would be a good band name.

--Your friend, Simon (The Best Dog in the World, East Nashville Division)
I know I'm using Facebook too much when I tried to find the 'like' button to respond to your post.
Car rides are always bad. They always end up at the vets. That is why We don't go for car rides anymore. The vet monkey comes to my house but she smells of DOGS. That was decades ago though even in cat years. No more shots, I simply had to draw the line, and my opinion is of course observed because I am by far the oldest personage here. It's exhausting.

So this is Paris?

Oh yes. My secretary reminds me what I wanted her to say. The monkeys here are always going off in the car to the vets, even my special monkey he goes EVERY DAY in the car. Poor monkey. I wait for him every day when it is time and make the loudest cries I can although no one can hear me anymore. And the grooming, the secretary has to take care of that, I simply can't keep up with it anymore, between supervising my monkey morning and night and forgetting where he's put the bed now and trying to get a little rest between.

You write very well for a DOG.

Lydia the Kittia
Sometimes they end up at the park!
It'll be okay, buddy. You just take a nice, long, well deserved nap (on the couch or the bed), then when you wake up, you can play with your new stuffie. That will be LOTS of fun, yeah?
Dear GRD,
My monkey calls me a MOOSE and I only weigh 75 lbs.
Thank you for letting me know I am a delicate wisp of a girl.
If I ever meet you, I will not try to kill you.

Bella Rose (aka dainty delicate flower not MOOSE)
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