it's a great life, if you don't weaken (matociquala) wrote,
it's a great life, if you don't weaken

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choose your weapon. time to pay.

I need to learn to fall better. My butt is sore from jukido last night, from landing on it. I was trying very hard not to tense up when I was thrown, but it's not always easy to let yourself fall when you're actually really getting thrown at speed. Still, I guess I have to learn sometime. And that's what the mats are for.

The reason I'm blogging it is because I had a very weird conversation with the blackbelt I was working with (who is about half my size and half my age, and totally made of awesome--great teacher, and very considerate--but she also pushes me to do it right). But anyway, we were practicing a technique that involved a face strike (in slow motion) and the first time she demonstrated, I shied away.

She stopped right there and said something to the effect of, "Do you have a history of abuse?"

Man, PTSD is transparent, when you know what you're looking for. I said "Yeah," and she kind of nerved herself and awkwardly asked, "Right now?"

And I said, "No, when I was a kid," and "It was a long time ago." I could kind of see her talking herself down from the intervention. So we had a little awkward conversation where she was trying to be supportive and neither one of us really knew what to say, and I kind of felt bad, because she was really hesitant about using any pain for the rest of the night. And I had a hell of a time relaxing so the falls didn't hurt. But we worked it out.

What I have learned (okay, I knew this already) is that my balance is kind of iffy at the best. Sigh.

I barely know her, but she's one of the good ones, I think. And man, it's weird having these conversations with people where they realize you're a statistic.

Anyway. If you're out there, and I'm pretty sure you are, you're not alone and it does eventually scab over. I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm still way nervous talking about this stuff, you know?
Tags: adult survivor, hitting makes me feel better
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