November 10th, 2007

problem cat

Cat v. Monkey--absentee landlord

(the scene: a tiny apartment. present: a Cat. the Usual Monkey. Another Monkey. the monkeys have just returned from a long business trip.)

Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Usual Monkey: Cat, do you need clean water?
Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Usual Monkey: Cat, do you need dry food?
Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Usual Monkey: Cat, do you need stinky food?
Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Usual Monkey: Cat, do you need a clean litter box?
Cat: Monkeeeeeeeey! MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY! I am MISERABLE!
Usual Monkey: Cat, I do not know how to help you.
Cat: *wanders around making small pathetic noises*
Usual Monkey: *helpless in the face of this distress*
Other Monkey: Cat, do you want tuna?
Cat: *spurns tuna*
Other Monkey: ...
Other Monkey: You are not a real cat.
Cat: *will not be consoled*
Usual Monkey: *scritches and makes small talk*
Cat: *purrs, while pointing out that the world is shit and she, a lone small gray cat, is alone and swimming in it.*
Other Monkey: Maybe she wants-- heck, I dunno what she could want at this point.
Cat: Every time she comes over, she takes you away.
Usual Monkey: But she also sleeps on the couch and you get to play with her.
Other Monkey: And play glitter-ball-soccer all over the house at three AM, like a herd of elephants.
Cat: *looks innocent.* Surely that was the Other Cat.
Usual Monkey: Other cat?
Cat: Surely. For if there is another Monkey--one might even say an unUsual Monkey--might there not be also another Cat?
Usual Monkey: *Looks at Other unUsual Monkey*
unUsual Monkey: *Looks at Usual Monkey*
Usual Monkey: Did you see another cat?
unUsual Monkey: She makes enough noise for two.
Cat: Can you be sure? After all, it's in the dark that we Cats sing love-serenades to our glitter balls.
Usual Monkey: What puzzles me is where they go. I mean, it's a small apartment, and I buy a couple of glitter balls every two weeks or so. And they just vanish, poof. I fear what I will find when I move out. The Elephant's Graveyard of the glitter balls is in this apartment somewhere. And I do sweep under things.
Cat: (triumphantly) See? It wasn't me! It was the Elephants!
unUsual Monkey: Elephants?
Cat: The ones from the graveyard.
Usual Monkey: *sits down on the sofa*
Cat: LAP! YAY! *pounces on lap and curls up, purring and driving needle-sharp claws into the Monkey's flesh. The Monkey, inured, only flinches a little.*
unUsual Monkey: You could have said you wanted a lap.
Cat: And ruin the game?
unUsual Monkey: ...
Usual Monkey: Don't feel bad. Usually I'm the straight man.

bear by san

the longer you walk the further you crawl

Survived the book signing, had great fun, met lovely people, then stuffed self on very good Eritrean food and drove home.

Cat: Monkey! You left me again!
Monkey: I was in Boston, earning your living.
Cat: But you left me. You could have been dead.
Monkey: We have to eat.
Cat: I'm cold. Go to bed.
Monkey: It's not time for bed.
Cat: But I'm sleepy. I was pacing the apartment worriedly all day.
Monkey: So go to bed.
Cat: But the bed is cold. Go warm it up.
Monkay: Whipped. I tell you.
Cat: BED!