dateline: 10:00 am Monday morning, after a sleepless night for everybody...
Monkey: Well, here we are in the exam room waiting for the vet.
Professional Dog Breeder Related To The Monkey, Along For Moral Support And Because The Vets Know Her By Name (PDBRTTMAFMSABTVKHBN): I don't wait well.
Complaint Department: [For once in her life, is not feeling well enough to comment]
That Nice Dr. Malm: ...
Monkey: This is the Complaint Department. She currently really does have something to complain about.
That Nice Dr. Malm: Karen*, that's a cat.
Monkey: She's the only one.
(PDBRTTMAFMSABTVKHBN): We like a little variety. Don't worry, there are still nine Briards at home.
That Nice Dr. Malm: Thank goodness. For a moment I was worried. Now, she's having vomiting and diarrhea?
Complaint Department: I'm sure it's something that Monkey did wrong.
Monkey: And she's dehydrated. I'm worried about a gastric obstruction: she was acting like she had a hairball, but... nothing.
That Nice Dr. Malm: Well, if she's passing stuff through, she's probably not obstructed. Normally, we'd see no stool at all under those conditions. But there's a lot of other issues it could be, and I want to prepare you: some are fairly serious.
Monkey: ...we know.
Complaint Department: Monkey, are you really going to permit this person to lay hands upon me?
That Nice Dr. Malm: Well, her abdomen feels pretty good. No masses. Let's do a film and some bloodwork.
[a film and some bloodwork are carried out offstage, amid protestations and demands to Unhand Me, You Varlet!]
That Nice Dr. Malm: Well, here's her x-ray. As you can see, there's nothing visible on it that shouldn't be. And we'd be able to see any problems; this cat is... very clean inside right now. No signs of cancer or any obstruction.
[audible sighs of relief from everybody except the cat.]
Complaint Department: How would you like it if I talked about your bowels on the internet?
That Nice Dr. Malm: So I'd say, pending bloodwork, we've got a nonspecific gastritis or inflammatory bowel disease going on here. We'll keep her overnight for fluids.
(PDBRTTMAFMSABTVKHBN): "What's this outline here?"
That Nice Dr. Malm: That's intestinal gas inflating her colon. And this little bubble over here--That's a fart.
Complaint Department: I never.
Monkey: Could have fooled me.
*(PDBRTTMAFMSABTVKHBN)'s name is Karen, if you could not figure that out.