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bear by san

March 2017



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always winter

it's midnight and i'm not famous yet.

By now, it's pretty plain that the Weather Channel's plan to market and merchandise winter storms get people to "take winter storms seriously by naming them" is an abject failure, in large part due to the unintentional hi-larity of the names they have chosen. (Okay, I was fond of "Gandalf." Next year: Erebor!)

Basically, it fell prey to the same sort of problems these top-down plans always have: in addition to being mockworthy, the names were unmemorable and externally imposed.

So I propose a a plan to name winter storms things that people will actually use. Twitter-friendly handles that combine a unique identifier with a succinct expression of the situation.

Please consult the table below to Name Your Winter Storm.

DateStorm Name
Oct 30-Nov 15What, Already?
Nov 16-21Snowball Fight!
Nov 21-31Well, This Is Gonna Fuck Up Travel
Dec 1-19Guess We Were About Due
Dec 20-25Maybe We'll Get A White Christmas
Dec 26-30Hey, Let's Go Skiing!
Dec 31Ambulances Are Gonna Be Busy Tonight
Jan 1-15I Really Don't Mind Shoveling This Fluffy Stuff
Jan 16-31Why Didn't We Buy A Snowblower This Year Again?
Feb 1-5Well, It Always Hits In February
Feb 6-10I'm Getting Tired Of Winter
Feb 11-15This Month Is Too Fucking Long
Feb 16-20My Grandfather Used To Call This Heart Attack Snow
Feb 21-25Seriously, This Can Be Done Now
Feb 26-28(9)Isn't It Spring Yet?
March 1-15There's Always One Last Good One
March 16-31Now Cut That Out!
April 1-May 31You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me


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South Carolina is Closed.

That's what I'm naming this one.
Sensibly so.
*hits the like button*

*hits the 'truth' button*

French Toast Emergency!

There are tertiary stages, of course. Such as "Irish Coffee" and "Cranking up the Harry Belafonte/Jimmy Buffett Playlist."

May 31-October 29: It's Your Fault We Moved To Minnesota. You Know That, Right?

(And yes. Yes, I do know that.)
Oh, that is completely perfect. Let's hope that this year we end with "This Month Is Too Fucking Long"....UGH.
Here on Long Island, we've gone way past "This Month is Too Fucking Long" and gone straight to "Now Cut That Out!" with a side of "You Have Got to be Fucking Kidding Me." Otherwise known as "I'm Quitting My Job and Moving to Costa Rica."
Here in San Francisco, the only snowstorm name is "Dear God what is this white stuff we had snow once 20 years ago".
Storm This Month is Too Fucking Long, coming up right now. My current hope is that it moves through here fast enough that we can get on the way for Boskone before noon tomorrow, rather than after . . . Himself has a 5 PM panel, and it's one he'd rather not miss ("Would You Baptize an Alien?", with Guy Consolmagno and Janice Gelb.) We'll be parking in Alewife and taking the T in, and that always adds another hour or so to the trip.

About once or twice a decade, we come into Boskone season with enough cash in hand to spend it exorbitantly park at -- or at least near -- the hotel. This year isn't one of those years.
I'm catching a ride in with a friend, for just that reason--and hoping to make my 4 pm panel, too.

Ah, the Boskone Snowicane. Every year like clockwork.
April 1-May 31 can also be known as "Welcome to Winnipeg." :P
In MN we have the annual Storm Women's Basketball Tournaments, at least according to my grandmother.
Ah, you haven't lived in Colorado where July is the only month that Denver hasn't received measurable snowfall, and it can snow in the mountains then. March and April actually are the snowiest months in Colorado. It's typical to get storms dumping two-three feet at a time then. Welcome, spring break! :) I'm pretty sure it was in mid-March when five feet of snow hit the flat lands in two consecutive storms not that many years ago.

On the other hand, I'll trade you our torrential rains and floods for your snow. :)
I was once snowed on in Yellowstone on the Fourth of July...
Seriously, This Can Be Done Now

We have definitely reached this point in the Southern and Western portions of the UK, except in our case it's not snow, it's rain and very high winds. We're not actually doing too bad in my particular corner of Wales, but the coast is taking a severe battering and even we lost power for a couple of hours last night. And apparently tomorrow's storm will be worse than yesterday's. :(

Please can it be spring now?
Yes. And with Dec 1-19 in the upper Midwest possibly being "It's December In Minnesota/Wisconsin/North Dakota/South Dakota, It Snows, Get Over It Already"
I regret to say the majority of these do not translate to Tennessee. The White Christmas & New Year's Eve storms would, but any others would have to be called "At Least It's Not Ice", "Imagine What It's Like Up North", "If You Don't Know How to Drive in This Stuff Stay Home", "Seriously, You Call This Snow? I Thought Someone Spilled Some Flour", "We Used to Get Snow Like This When I Was Little" and "The Kids Will Be in School Until the Middle of June".

All ice storms are to be known as "How Long Did They Say It Would Take To Get the Power On?"</p>

Not all will be used every year.

Totally on with these storm names. I've been looking at them thinking heart attack. And pining for a different sort of white ground cover: white sandy beach.

time to shovel
snow is bad for the fur....
Only problem with the list is I was at "Serious, THis can be done now" about this time last month.
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