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bear by san

March 2017

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bear by san

How unsexy is my book?

No, really. How unsexy is it?




[21:57] BlackCat: La la la, books are a chore.
[21:57] BlackCat: So nice when they start out. So seductive.
[21:57] BlackCat: Then it's cook and clean and pay the bills.
[21:57] Ghoulgirl I'm stuck in a great swamp
[21:57] BlackCat: I'm stuck in a bigass labyrinth with nothing for my protag to do but pick her nose.
[21:57] Ghoulgirl This book is not sexy at the moment. It now snores and doesn't do dishes. :)
[21:58] Ghoulgirl I'm in a kabob stand full of ghouls.
[21:58] BlackCat: This book watches Monday night football and leaves beer bottles half-empty with sticky rings on the furniture.
[21:58] Ghoulgirl Which is interesting, but I don't know what anyone is about to say.
[21:58] BlackCat: And it never takes me anywhere nice anymore.
[21:58] JLV: *watches Leah and Amanda lose it*
[21:59] BlackCat: We're forming a support group.
[21:59] Ghoulgirl It's busy all the time and lets the trash pile up.
[21:59] Ghoulgirl But now it's time for yellow paint, so the book can wait a few minutes.
[21:59] JLV: I'll join your group in about a month
[22:00] BackwardsTalk: But for now... *hands Jaime popcorn*
[22:00] BlackCat: (500 and taking advantage of paint break)
[22:00] JLV: thanks Kelly :)
[22:01] JLV: I'm actually debating if I want beer or graham crackers
[22:01] Bear: both
[22:01] JLV: tough choice
[22:01] Bear: My book is also unsexy.
[22:02] Bear: it's as unsexy as Alannis Morissette in 2001
[22:02] BlackCat: Mine is as unsexy as the guys in Evanescense.
[22:02] JLV: oh dear
[22:02] JLV: both of those are pretty damn unsexy
[22:03] BlackCat: And as unsexy as the middle-aged guy who came into work last week and told me I look just like the girl he lost his virginity to.
[22:03] JLV: oh yuck
[22:03] JLV: yuck
[22:03] BlackCat: (I laughed my face off. In front of him, which was probably unintentionally soul-crushing.)
[22:03] BlackCat: (but unsexy)
[22:04] Iwannagoofyname: This book watches Queer Eye for the straight guy and trolls BDSM chatrooms.
[22:04] JLV: No one should tell a stranger that Leah
[22:04] JLV: ever
[22:04] Bear: LOL
[22:05] BlackCat: Probably not, but he's the one who got laughed at, and I is the one who did the laughing.
[22:05] BlackCat: S'all good.
[22:05] JLV: Chelsea wins
[22:05] Bear: My book drinks bourbon in a lazy boy and watches NFL.
[22:05] Bear: and belches.
[22:05] BlackCat: My book pops his zits in public.
[22:05] Bear: and calls me sweet thang.
[22:05] JLV: ewwwwwwwwww
[22:05] BlackCat: And goes to Star Trek cons dressed as a Klingon and tells girls they have really nice pairs of Warp Nacels.
[22:06] BlackCat: And possibly lives in a trailer behind his parents' house.
[22:06] Iwannagoofyname: The Last Saskatchewan Pirate!
[22:06] KatKatKat: my book hangs round chat rooms looking for people to IM with its life story
[22:07] JLV: *dies*
[22:07] BlackCat: Woo!
[22:07] Iwannagoofyname: who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone? I'm gonna be a PIRATE on the river Saskatchewan!
[22:07] BlackCat: The last Saskatchewan pirate -is- sexy. :)
[22:07] Iwannagoofyname: ARRRRRRRRRRR!
[22:07] BlackCat: Arrrrrr Metis!
[22:07] BlackCat: (Get it, Metis?)
[22:07] BlackCat: (That's Reil-ly funny.)
[22:08] Iwannagoofyname: (boo.)
[22:08] BlackCat: I love that bit. :)
[22:08] Iwannagoofyname: Arrr, ye salty dog!
[22:08] Iwannagoofyname: Arrr, ye salty gopher!
[22:08] Iwannagoofyname: Arrr, ye salty bale o' hay!
[22:08] BlackCat: *giggling*
[22:09] Bear: Kat wins.
[22:09] Bear: It's screen name is something like XXXlemurSEXXX
[22:09] JLV: lol
[22:09] KatKatKat: heee
[22:09] BlackCat: Um...my book sold its life story to PublishAmerica and spams everyone who gives it a bad Amazon review with penis enlargement e-mail.
[22:10] BlackCat: Nah, I think Kat still wins. :)
[22:10] KatKatKat: yeah, yours is starting to sound interesting -- insane but interesting like a car crash
[22:10] KatKatKat: ::grins::
[22:10] Iwannagoofyname: my book hops on its right foot twice and then its left foot three times, off beat, usually stumbling, and points in the air like john travolta.
[22:11] BlackCat: I am laughing so hard Roupen is giving me dirty looks.
[22:11] Bear: *snicker*
[22:12] Iwannagoofyname: my book sings with a hairbrush for a microphone in the shower.
[22:12] JLV: tell me about it Leah *g*
[22:12] Bear: My book goes out to lesbian bars and tries to pick up the femmes, and when they turn it down, it gets all sulky and says
[22:12] Bear: "You must be a dyke or something, you fucking cunt."
[22:12] BlackCat: *dies*
[22:12] JLV: ooooooo
[22:12] BackwardsTalk: *g*
[22:12] Ghoulgirl heh
[22:12] BlackCat: I can't beat that.
[22:13] Iwannagoofyname: hmm.
[22:13] Ghoulgirl Well.... It's a C, all right...
[22:13] Bear: My book writes Real-People Slash about the backstreet boys and thinks that that will get it dates.
[22:13] Ghoulgirl :)
[22:13] KatKatKat: my book spends all day in the SFF section of the bookshop trying to read the erotica titles
[22:13] Bear: In very loose pants, Kat?
[22:13] JLV: LOL
[22:13] KatKatKat: hee
[22:14] BlackCat: My book is Terry Goodkind hanging out in the bar at Worldcon at noon on a Monday, trying to pick up girls by winking at them and saying "I'm a writer, you know?"
[22:14] BlackCat: With a greasy ponytail.
[22:14] JLV: ewwww
[22:14] BackwardsTalk: lol
[22:14] KatKatKat: my book can't find a greasy ponytail who'll hang out with it
[22:14] BlackCat: Oooh.
[22:14] BlackCat: My book aspires to be the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons.
[22:15] Bear: My book has back acne.
[22:15] Bear: juicy back acne.
[22:15] BlackCat: Ewwww.
[22:15] BackwardsTalk: My book likes polkas, and Milli Vanilli. Preferably together.
[22:15] Iwannagoofyname: *dies*
[22:15] JLV: you guys are killing me
[22:16] Bear: My book watches American Idol, and blogs about it.
[22:16] BlackCat: I can't breathe. :)
[22:16] Iwannagoofyname: my book memorized Dennis Leary routines.
[22:16] JLV: LOL
[22:16] BlackCat: My book lines up for rush tickets to Mamma Mia! every single day.
[22:16] Bear: My book hangs around schoolyards
[22:16] Iwannagoofyname: eeeew!
[22:16] Bear: There are Jethro Tull songs about my book.
[22:16] BackwardsTalk: *snerk*
[22:17] BlackCat: *groan*
[22:17] Bear: My book sings Barry Manilow.
[22:17] BlackCat: There are Depeche Mode songs about my book. ;)
[22:17] JLV: ohmigod
[22:17] JLV: my stomach hurts
[22:17] Iwannagoofyname: there are Smiths songs about my book.
[22:17] Bear: I love you guys.
[22:17] Bear: I am so glad I'm home alone
[22:17] Bear: Heee.
[22:17] JLV: good thing *g*
[22:17] BackwardsTalk: Oh, help. *trying to breathe*
[22:18] JLV: me too
[22:18] JLV: and I am not alone
[22:18] Iwannagoofyname: my book sings Sir Mix A Lot, because someone once told my book that appreciating the natural beauty of women will get you laid.
[22:18] BlackCat: *dies again*
[22:18] JLV: groan
[22:18] Bear: *dies*
[22:18] Iwannagoofyname: My Mistress, She Stands out behind!
[22:18] BlackCat: rofl
[22:18] JLV: LOL
[22:18] Bear: My book tweezes its nose hairs.
[22:18] BlackCat: By Hercules!
[22:18] Iwannagoofyname: Fuck I love you guysn.
[22:19] Bear: My book is eighty pounds overweight and wears the green Captain Kirk shirt to conventions.
[22:19] JLV: oh god
[22:19] Bear: and it's balding and has a greasy combover.
[22:20] JLV: oh god
[22:20] BlackCat: My book wears a trenchcoat and writes bad poetry, and then recites it to girls to impress them.
[22:20] Iwannagoofyname: My book wears army fatigues and a coaty thing made out of badly skinned rabbits and chainmail fashioned from keyrings and BITCHES about having its six foot long scottish claymore peacebonded at cons.
[22:20] Iwannagoofyname: and then volunteers for security.
[22:20] Bear: LOL
[22:20] BackwardsTalk: hee
[22:20] JLV: LOL
[22:21] BlackCat: LOL
[22:21] Bear: My book writes furry fanfic.
[22:21] Iwannagoofyname: eeeew!
[22:21] BlackCat: Eeep!
[22:21] Iwannagoofyname: My book draws furry fanfic.
[22:21] Iwannagoofyname: badly.
[22:21] BlackCat: My book writes self-insert furry slash.
[22:21] Bear: And its mother does its laundry.
[22:21] Bear: And it has a six-foot shelf of hentai.
[22:21] BackwardsTalk: Ohmygod. I think I dated your book.
[22:21] Bear: LOL
[22:21] JLV: LOL
[22:21] BlackCat: *reviving...no, dead again*
[22:22] Iwannagoofyname: my book rewinds the parts in Legend of the overfiend to see that again.
[22:22] JLV: I am going to die here
[22:22] Bear: My book has inch-long yellow fingernails.
[22:22] Bear: and wears kleenex boxes on its feet.
[22:22] Iwannagoofyname: My book announces proudly that it hasn't had a haircut since 1981.
[22:22] BlackCat: My book draws pictures of Native Americans shedding single tears while mounted on winged horses with questionable anatomy and prices them at $300 in the art show.
[22:22] Bear: My book has a hairy back.
[22:23] JLV: oh that hurts
[22:23] Iwannagoofyname: your book is the guy who directed cry baby?
[22:23] Bear: God you guys rock.
[22:23] Bear: Somebody should save this and post it to a journal.
[22:23] Bear: "How unsexy is my book"?
[22:23] BlackCat: Oh, god. Open it up in the comments.
[22:23] BlackCat: Nobody would get work done for a week.
[22:23] Iwannagoofyname: open fire in the comments.
[22:23] Iwannagoofyname: do it.
[22:23] JLV: The definintive answer *g*
[22:23] Iwannagoofyname: do it.
[22:23] Bear: *g*
[22:26] JLV: I drove people out of the room *g*
[22:26] JLV: go me :)
[22:26] BlackCat: Woo!
[22:26] BackwardsTalk: Whee!
[22:27] JLV: and I still can't breathe
[22:27] BlackCat: (...my book speaks in netspeak. In real life.)
[22:27] JLV: heee
[22:27] Ghoulgirl My book wears a black leather trenchcoat and white-face in the middle of summer.
[22:27] Ghoulgirl Without deodorant.
[22:27] BlackCat: *snerk*
[22:28] Ghoulgirl I hope the Hockey Gods appreciate my efforts
[22:28] JLV: of course they do
[22:28] Bear: My book talks about BDSM at Denny's during lunch rush.
[22:28] Ghoulgirl Heh
[22:28] Ghoulgirl That's bad?
[22:28] BackwardsTalk: *snicker*
[22:28] Iwannagoofyname: My book talks about Wicca in Denny's during the sunday family dinner specials.
[22:28] Bear: When you're sitting next to a five year old?
[22:29] BlackCat: Depends on whose five-year-old.
[22:29] Bear: And obviously haven't been laid since 1962?
[22:29] BlackCat: Oh, okay then.
[22:29] Ghoulgirl My book is smarter than everyone else, even with a cold.
[22:29] Bear: LOL
[22:29] JLV: LOl
[22:29] BlackCat: My book asks random people who wear black if they have their own Book of Secrets.
[22:29] JLV: LOL
[22:29] Ghoulgirl *chokes on paintbrush*
[22:30] Iwannagoofyname: My book decided that Thelemites were way cooler than Wiccans and is now reading every word Aliester Crowley ever dribbled onto a page--
[22:31] Iwannagoofyname: no wait, my book's a druid now.
[22:31] KatKatKat: my book always brings enough to share, but no one ever wants to
[22:31] Ghoulgirl My book invites its geeky friends over for D&D games and leaves the moldering pizza-box stacks by the couch for a month.
[22:31] Iwannagoofyname: my book is a minmaxing rules lawyering manty haulin' munchkin.
[22:31] Ghoulgirl And wears its grungy sweats all the time, even in public.
[22:31] BlackCat: I played with your book for six months, Chels. :)
[22:31] Iwannagoofyname: LOL
[22:32] Bear: My book plays Chivalry and Sorcery.
[22:32] BlackCat: My book plays White Wolf.
[22:32] BlackCat: 'Nuff said.
[22:32] Iwannagoofyname: your book is old school unsexy.
[22:32] Bear: And its character is a hot redheaded Lesbian in a chain mail bikini.
[22:32] Iwannagoofyname: my book plays shadowrun.
[22:32] Ghoulgirl My book weighs 300 lbs, but dressed up as Princess Mononoke for Akon.
[22:32] Iwannagoofyname: and always plays elf mages from tir tarnigre and corporate etiquette 6.
[22:32] Ghoulgirl Leah, my book really does play White Wolf. :)
[22:33] BlackCat: That's naughty of it. :)
[22:33] Ghoulgirl Thankfully, few people will ever know.
[22:33] BlackCat: (Sez the girl who is trying to keep a Champions in-joke firmly out of her book and failing.)
[22:33] Ghoulgirl One of my books will have Mithras, Aesma Daeva, and a bunch of ghouls playing hockey.
[22:33] Iwannagoofyname: oh, and I edited chapter five.
[22:33] BlackCat: ('Cause in Hero System rules, doing a power called "Change Environment: Fire" is just so damn funny.)
[22:34] Iwannagoofyname: ghouls playing hockey!
[22:34] Iwannagoofyname: wikkid!
[22:34] BlackCat: ('Cause it's such a blatant rules abuse, but there's something so great about changing something to the same something, just on fire. :) )
[22:34] BlackCat: I think Mithras would cheat at hockey.
[22:34] Ghoulgirl Yes, he would. :)
[22:34] Ghoulgirl So would Aesma.
[22:36] BlackCat: I keep having to restrain Bill about that.
[22:36] Ghoulgirl I now have a tank-top with a big flaming C on it.
[22:36] Ghoulgirl I am such a geek.
[22:36] BlackCat: He kind of wants to just jump in and do Too Many Men On the Ice all over the place.
[22:36] Iwannagoofyname: you RAWK!
[22:37] Iwannagoofyname: big flaming C-Tank!
[22:37] Ghoulgirl I wish Aesma could make an appearance in this book, but that might be a too-many-cooks sort of thing.
[22:37] BlackCat: Wooo!
[22:37] JLV: brb
[22:37] Ghoulgirl I'll even wear matching red underwear. :)
[22:38] Ghoulgirl The gods better be paying attention.
[22:39] BlackCat: (My book orders fancy champagne to impress his dates and calls it Frex-i-net.)
[22:39] Ghoulgirl My book watches pro wrestling.
[22:40] BlackCat: My book cosplays as pro wrestlers.
[22:40] Ghoulgirl And swears it's not fake.
[22:40] Ghoulgirl My book larps at clubs.
[22:40] Iwannagoofyname: *dies*
[22:40] Ghoulgirl And is always Dreadfully Mysterious
[22:40] Iwannagoofyname: Frex-i-net!
[22:41] JLV: I don't even know what that is and its making me laugh
[22:41] Iwannagoofyname: MY book larps at the same clubs, but effects a screwy accent and acts like a cross between Oscar Wilde and the blonde guyfrom Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
[22:42] BlackCat: Freixenet is a fancy fancy champagne. Pronounced more like "fre-jeu-nay".
[22:42] Iwannagoofyname: my book quotes Kafka: that which does not kill me makes me stronger.
[22:42] JLV: ah
[22:42] Ghoulgirl lol
[22:43] BlackCat: My book quotes Dostoyevsky.
[22:43] BlackCat: Incorrectly.
[22:43] JLV: heh
[22:43] KatKatKat: my book believes he's quoting Nietzsche but is actually quoting Donald Duck
[22:43] JLV: LOL
[22:43] BlackCat: *chuckle*
[22:44] Ghoulgirl Alas, my bedtime approaches
[22:45] Bear: my book has the hots for the Vulcan chick on Enterprise.
[22:45] Bear: Night Amanda
[22:45] BlackCat: *snerk*
[22:45] KatKatKat: Night Amanda
[22:45] BlackCat: G'night, Amanda.
[22:45] JLV: night Amanda
[22:45] BlackCat: My book stalks Dr. Phlox.
[22:46] BlackCat: And plays the opening song on endless repeat.
[22:46] KatKatKat: mine claims to have the hots for Dax but pays a great deal of attention to Julian
[22:46] Ghoulgirl My book requests Headhunter
[22:46] BlackCat: Oh, I love you guys. :)
[22:46] Bear: LOL Kat!
[22:46] BlackCat: Look, you killed Bear.
[22:46] Iwannagoofyname: My book requests Temple of Love
[22:46] Ghoulgirl LOL
[22:46] BlackCat: My book requests Haddaway.
[22:46] Bear: My book wears assless leather pants.
[22:47] Iwannagoofyname: and does the My little Pony dance.
[22:47] Bear: And it has a hairy ass.
[22:47] JLV: oh god
[22:47] JLV: I am dying!
[22:47] Iwannagoofyname: off beat, with lots of arm-flapping.
[22:47] BlackCat: My book looks up the skirt of the He-Man action figures.
[22:47] Ghoulgirl Mine humps the pole on the dancefloor
[22:47] KatKatKat: mine knows all the dance moves for Agado
[22:48] BackwardsTalk: Eeee! *dies*
[22:48] KatKatKat: including three ways to 'push pineapple'
[22:48] Iwannagoofyname: My book looooves babylon 5 because my book had erotic daydreams about Billy Mumy from when he was on Lost in Space and that bumpy thing on his bald eyebrowless head is SNEXY.
[22:48] Bear: My book still brags about getting a blow job from its cousin in ninth grade.
[22:48] BlackCat: *dead*
[22:48] Ghoulgirl My book is dressing up to stand in line overnight for tickets to Episode 3.
[22:48] Iwannagoofyname: OH GOD
[22:48] JLV: oooooooooo
[22:48] BlackCat: (Shut up, Amanda, I'm doing that. ;) )
[22:49] JLV: Bear!
[22:49] BackwardsTalk: lol
[22:49] BlackCat: My book still wonders why Bester didn't have a Russian accent.
[22:49] Bear: LOL Kat!
[22:49] Iwannagoofyname: My book walked up to the people lined up for The Matrix and said "Wow, you wore a costume."
[22:49] Bear: Leah, okay, you just killed me on a strictly fangirl level.
[22:49] Bear: Since I can answer that. *g*
[22:49] BlackCat: Bester?
[22:49] Iwannagoofyname: and then my book yelled, "OH YEAH? Well I'm puttin a druid curse on your ass!"
[22:49] Bear: LOL
[22:50] BlackCat: My book tries to explode people's heads with his mind.
[22:51] Bear: my book misquotes Byron. *g*
[22:51] KatKatKat: my book believes it bent a spoon while Uri Gellar was on TV
[22:51] KatKatKat: and the accidental impact with the edge of the table had no effect whatsoever
[22:51] JLV: you guys are something else *g*
[22:51] BlackCat: My book talks very seriously about its past life as a prostitute in revolutionary France.
[22:52] Ghoulgirl My book often talks about what an old soul it obviously is.
[22:52] BlackCat: My book tried to have a rib removed when it heard that Marilyn Manson rumour.
[22:53] BlackCat: And oh man, I am not getting any more words tonight. :)
[22:53] Ghoulgirl My book pronounces macabre 'mack-a-ber'.
[22:53] Ghoulgirl Yeah, the words are gone now.
[22:53] BackwardsTalk: My book travelled the world with a lawn dwarf.
[22:53] JLV: LOL
[22:53] BackwardsTalk: And took pictures.
[22:53] JLV: LOL
[22:53] BlackCat: Which reminds me how we never did that postcards from Charlie's pants thing.
[22:54] Ghoulgirl Okay, really bed now.
[22:54] Ghoulgirl Good night, crazy people
[22:54] BlackCat: Good night, Crazy Amanda. :)
[22:54] Ghoulgirl I will laugh my ass off all day at work tomorrow just remembering this.
[22:54] JLV: good night Amanda :)
[22:55] KatKatKat: ::waves::
[22:55] BackwardsTalk: bye!
[22:55] Bear: You guys have ruined my wordcount and made me a happy girl.
[22:55] BackwardsTalk: Ditto. :D
[22:55] BlackCat: Tee hee.
[22:56] JLV: You are all too much fun *g*
[22:56] BackwardsTalk: I giggled and wheezed so loud, that my neighbours are now speaking in hushed whispers as they walk past my window.
[22:57] JLV: LOL
[22:57] Iwannagoofyname: My book has just discovered the deep and eldritch secrets of the Necronomicon! But my book pronounces it Neck-roe-NO-mee-con. My book is going to show those guys at that Matrix premeire!
[22:57] BlackCat: Oh, god, I'm so getting you drunk one of these days. :)
[22:58] JLV: If I laugh any more I won't be able to breathe at all
[22:58] Iwannagoofyname: fuck. did somebody blog this?

Comments

(Anonymous)

LOL! What a topic. :D Really, I have to boost my book's self-esteem... or else. If my book caught me talking about it like that... well, I probably wouldn't ever write again. :D

*huggles the Bear*

~Jodi
*too busy giggling and cackling to make a proper comment*
Now you know what the pros get up to when they're supposed to be writing. *g*

Those people have been published in Arabella Romance, Realms of Fantasy, Gothic.net, and Strange Horizons, among other places.

Feel better now? *g*
Holy CATS, I needed that laugh this morning.

*still cracking up*

Aw crap.

I think I am your book. ;)

(Funniest thing I've read about writing all year, hands down.)
I can't believe I missed this. I'm crushed.
How unsexy is *your* book? Come on! tell us!
[22:07] BlackCat: The last Saskatchewan pirate -is- sexy. :)
[22:07] Iwannagoofyname: ARRRRRRRRRRR!
[22:07] BlackCat: Arrrrrr Metis!
[22:07] BlackCat: (Get it, Metis?)
[22:07] BlackCat: (That's Reil-ly funny.)


ROFLMAO! I love this thread. And how scary is it that I not only have The Last Saskatchewan Pirate on a CD but I got the Metis joke? ;-D

I'm not a pro, but how often have I thought some of these very things? "How unsexy is my story? I just fell asleep writing the sex scene."


One of Us! One of Us! Gabba gabba we accept you!

*g*

Seriously, it's true--I think we all have that feeling some times. Especially when they get to be *work*
You made me splort my coffee this morning. lol

My book is so unsexy that...

My book is really a dragon in its interior life, but is human on the outside as part of its rebirth choice. It took a meaningful quiz written by ~*starflame*~ or <3=DRAGONKIND=<3 or someone equally qualified in Dragon Lore and found that it is a pearly-skinned Silver Weyre-Dragon of the ninth level with immense magickal powers and controls fire and air. It writes dragon (natch!) slash with dragon (of course!) characters culled from the Pern books. It sleeps on flannel dragon sheets its gramma got it for Christmas.

Re: My book is so unsexy that...

That's damned unsexy.