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bear by san

March 2017

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bear by san

(via cpolk), Comment on an unaired Calgary PSA regarding domestic violence (link below). Warning: this is graphic, and triggery, and it should be shocking to most people.

If you've been there, watching this is going to stir up emotions of helplessness and grief. If you haven't been there, it will give you a pretty good idea of what it's like. It gave me cold chills and nausea, FWIW.

You may want to read cpolk's essay, linked above, for context, first.

If You Can't Get Away With it Here--

Comments

Yep. That's the way it works. That was my life. I wonder what my friends think?
If they have any sense, they're proud of you for surviving.
Oh my god, is that hard to watch.
I've been fortunate to avoid situations like that throughout my life, but that still had an unpleasant effect on me (even without the sound, since my work 'puter has no speakers). I'm glad it's getting some publicity, though.

Thanks for putting the link here. (I already thanked her for putting it up as well.)
I don't have any sort of useful response, but I wanted to say I saw it. Neither 'thank you' nor 'I'm sorry' quite covers it, 'I understand' would be a lie, and 'I sympathise' would be an understatement.

How about I'm sickened and want-to-be-angry and glad I'm single?
Thank you for linking to that. I've been talking to cpolk in her journal, in that entry.

I hate what it says about me, that my response to that ad was "omigod, he finally snapped and did it in public", rather than being shocked.
I think a lot of the strength of the ad lies in that it's a stranger he's attacking, and it defuses the excuses of those who make excuses for that kind of behavior.
Near the top of my "Things I'm Thankful For" list is that I haven't had to go through such things myself. Those who haven't may never realize what a blessing it is to have escaped, or how hard it is to pick up the pieces of your life if you do get away. I've worked for over 20 years for a state welfare department, and the number of long-term recipients of benefits who have a history of abuse, sexual or otherwise, in their personal history is huge. They are often among the hardest clients to help adjust to life off welfare, as they have so much emotional damage, and no real expectation of receiving anything but more pain and suffering, as if they "deserved" such things.

I feel about this PSA the way I feel about Saving Private Ryan or Schindler's List--if it shows you what it was really like, it's going to be offensive. I regret that this will strike the chords of horrible memories for some; but for those who haven't been there, haven't seen it, and haven't tried to pick up the pieces--open your eyes, and see what life is like for too many people. Welcome to life outside of Perfect.
Why doesn't she leave? All too often, she's dead if she stays, and dead if she goes, literally--most abusers are more likely to kill the victim when they seem likely to escape from control by leaving--the victim has been reduced to a possession who may be treated as the owner sees fit, even unto death.
Why doesn't she leave?

Not just dead if she stays, dead if she goes, but often she's been programmed since childhood to accept this kind of behavior as normal, and she does believe she deserves it, and she doesn't have anyplace to go, and she doesn't have the sense of self-worth to believe she deserves better or can make it on her own.

Not to mention the stockholm syndrome.
The subtly scary aspect to this is how someone can end up in that quicksand so fast that it's not even clear how they got there. My mom raised three girls who don't take any crap from anybody for any reason; one of my younger sisters was dating a guy in college who started getting clingy in a stalkerish sort of way, and so she dumped him. She dumped him right off, before there was any actual abuse you could point to, as soon as there was just a tiny vague feeling of wrongness. She did everything right she possibly could have. She still ended up getting stalked by the a&&hole from one end of the country to the other, restraining orders, the whole nine yards. Luckily nothing has been heard from him for several years.
Ok, heavy 'burn squick', but that's my baggage...

Two thoughts -- first is that I'm always dismayed by how much abuse there is going on. It's a relief to know that it isn't just your family, but it's a really nasty kind of relief.

Second -- I'm struggling to phrase this -- I was stunned a year ago to realize that there was abuse going on right under my nose where I worked. I didn't see -- probably because I was busy fighting the same people for my job -- that there were two male supervisors who were engaging in abusive behavior toward several female subordinates in their division.

As a survivor of familial abuse, I thought that I was sensitized enough to recognize it when it was happening around me. I was utterly wrong, and I don't quite know how to do it better if there's ever a next time.
:-P Don't blame yourself...

Seriously. Witness where you can, and where you can't-- we all miss things. We do our best.

Perfection is for alcoholics. (HHOS)

tamnonlinear just linked this, and it reminded me of you and your rotating drive train. (Now, THAT would make a great lj icon, if you scanned it. And if you do, I want a copy. *g*)

http://www.fotolog.net/safety_man
I can't watch it; I know all too well that it would knock me to pieces for days reshuffling my memories. But I do want to thank you for linking to it, and I know people I'll be pushing to watch it.
*nod*

That's why it's plastered with squick warnings. It's very hard.

*hug*
The other PSA from Homefront Calgary [Boardroom] is equally imposing.

By way of warning, it may be that this particular PSA spoke more strongly to my own memories than the restaurant one, but it left me in a cold and momentarilly-paralyzed sweat.

I can think of a handful of people who I'd like to subject to both of these.
holy crap. that made me cry.
That ad should have been shown.

I lived for three and a half years in a constant state of uncertainty and outright fear. It took me a long time to swallow my pride and speak up about what was happening to me. I'm glad I'm out of it.

I have never met a person more full of fury than my ex. And it was (I quote) "All his parents' fault."

Watching that makes me happy that I am where I am today and not still stuck in that hellhole of a marriage.
matociquala, that is a powerful PSA. And one that may be professionally useful to me.

jenstclair, casting blame anywhere but on the abuser is very common in abusive relationships. I think you are very brave to speak up, as you say, and that you should have pride in that strength and that courage.

Don't think of it as swallowing your pride. Think of it as acknowledging your power.

If I may say so without causing offense.