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bear by san

March 2017



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bear by san

hortas got legs

So today, we went to the revamped Star Trek, The Experience, a bourgeois excrescence of the first water, but also a reasonably fun although overpriced quote virtual reality unquote ride. (And we had lunch at Quark's Bar, which despite its themedness and legendary lousy service, is a pretty good moderately priced restaurant. With the side benefit of being hassled by Klingons while you dine.)

Because everything's better with Klingons.

Anyway, we've been on the Klingon half of the ride before--the Borg half is new as of last year (and not as good, although the three-D effects are reasonably shiny). The best effect is the transporter effect. Convincing enough to be creepy. And no, I won't tell you where it is. The price of admission does include a self-guided trip through the Star Trek museum, though, which is pretty nifty, especially from a costume design standpoint. ("Oh! That's how they did that!")

Anyway, our day was made more surreal by a Klingon insult comic ("Dull knives are best for those for dull wits. I'll leave you to it.") and the classic Klingon joke "Two dead Ferengi in a box."

And at some point during our adventure into geeky campiness, I realized that the Federation has in its hands a sure fire means to defeat the Borg.

Ready for it?


If they were thinking--which, admittedly, nobody has yet proved the Federation capable of--what they'd do is load up their front line Borg-fightin' ships with horta marine commando units. When you engage the Borg, you either beam the hortas aboard the Borg ships, or just fire them at them, using your photon torpedo launchers.

And then the hortas (who are pretty fast movers, as I recall) simply eat their way through the target cube. Okay, you wind up with some king-sized hortas. But dude, we got cargo bays. We'll get you home.

Assimilate this, jerkface.


Hortas! The ultimate weapon!

Clearly the Federation Needs You.

See this is why real life needs more SF-writer consultants.

I don't know though-- don't you think the Borg could figure our how to assimilate silicon-based life? One would think it would be easier than integrating their hardware with carbon-based life.
Well, yeah, but they'd have to *catch* them first. Borg, not so fast-moving. And hortas can outrun a running redshirt. And can soak up a fair amount of phaser fire....

Also, hard to grapple.
"And then the hortas (who are pretty fast movers, as I recall) simply eat their way through the target cube. Okay, you wind up with some king-sized hortas. But dude, we got cargo bays. We'll get you home."


"Rumble rumble rumble"
"What did he say, Bones?"
"He said, 'Please don't tell my mother I died from overeating.' He's gained a lot of weight, Jim."
"Damnit Bones, get this kid a laxative and get him back onto the front line!"
"I don't care what it smells like, Chewie! Get in there!"
I will have you know that Mr. Ford is giggling now.

And he just said, "What if they develop a taste for starships? Is that, like an eating disorder? And what if they're in the cargo holds and just want a little teeny taste of bulkhead to get them through the long ride home?"

I shall stop transcribing now, as we have reached the speculative musing on Horta poo.
He added, "It's obvious that whatever they excrete, it cannot be dilithium, as that would destroy two-thirds of the plot devices."
This goes into memories....
Everything better with Klingons...
Horta poo...
::dies more::

Should coat the hortas with nonstick...that stuff...dang it... Fluorochloro something or other can't remember the official name but it's an interesting molecule IIRC from O-chem... TEFLON!!!!!! To keep them from oxidizing in the atmosphere and make them less grappling-hookable.
My feeble contribution. ^^;
that's brilliant.


I hate to be the one to point this out, but...

A Borg-stuffed Horta would soon be slow, and probably need a siesta. Watch how easy it is to catch and assimilate then.

Though that could later be amusing, too, since the Horta communicate with humanoids by spitting acid into letters.

Geordi: Data, what's that Horta trying to write?
Borg-Horta: (burned into deck) "WILL BE YOU ASSIMILATED"
Data: Though clearly intelligent, the Horta lack basic grammar skills--
(Data and Geordi scream as the Horta tries to assimilate them.)


Do we have any evidence that too much party slows a horta down? The only one we've seen didn't show any signs, and she was burrowing all over the place...
Gosh, if the Borg did assimilate a Horta, what would it look like? It wouldn't really have any obvious place to put the little laser-pointer eye prosthetic thingy, and it wouldn't fit in their little charge-up cubbies on the ship either. Very problematic, I would think.

Probably a moot point though, because the Federation probably has rules about the use of biological weapons.
These aren't bio-weapons, though. They're shock troops!

Vote Now!

Vote now for an "all-Klingon" Trek series to replace "Enterprise"! No more seeking out new civilizations, and then getting all huggy with them. Conquest! Snarled insults! Full-contact mating rituals! Vote now!

- the hortas

Horta Shock Troops

As a bit of amusement, a friend sent me this link. He didn't realize that in the fan-made Trek series, Hidden Frontier, Horta shock troops had actually been used, albeit not against any Borg structure.

So, allow me to in turn present you with a link to Hidden Frontier's Season Six episode list, available for downloading. The two specific episodes are "Dancing in the Dark" and "Her Battle Lanterns Lit", the season finale.

Re: Horta Shock Troops

*g* I think the idea is original to Diane Duane--or at least the horta commando is!

Thanks for the link.