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bear by san

December 2021



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bear by san

consciousness is an illusion, semiconsciousness doubly so

of course, before the alarm went off, I was lying in bed, enjoying the fact that it had cooled off enough that I was not sticking to the sheets. and I was musing on the ending of Undertow (it's Undertoad in my head, of course, but everybody had to know that already) and my semiconscious self was convinced it had come up with a Much Better Ending than the one I currently have.

and then the alarm went off, and it vanished.

now, I'm experienced enough to realize that I hadn't actually solved the world's problems and developed a solution for peace in our time, and that really it was all just my neurons misfiring on the edge of sleep. but it's still an evil thing for one's brain to do to one first thing in the morning. especially since my unsolution is still picking at the edge of my brain, and probably will all day.

anyway, I'm sure I'll figure out a better ending as soon as I write this one.


So of course, on the way in, I figured out what the American Ballad book in the Promethean Age needs to be titled. It has to be called Corinna Corinna, and it's a direct sequel to One-Eyed Jack.

So that's something to look forward to, anyway. Fun research!

Meanwhile, I have olive bread.
I did, but you want *me* to find it?

Oh, hell, I'll do another post.
and my semiconscious self was convinced it had come up with a Much Better Ending than the one I currently have.

I have actually had entire chapters and plotlines resolve themeselves during 5 am backbrain downloads. But my semiconscious is a much better plotter than my conscious.
Oh, sure, sometimes I come up with answers overnight. But the amorphous "Best! Idea! Ever! that vanishes when your eyes open, I suspect, was never really there. (I tyoped that "nefer really there."

I just dream of winning lottery numbers, which of course I can't recall after I wake up...
given my luck...
and now it is time for the penguin atop your telly to explode.
...releasing mountains of Girl Scout cookies that take over my living room.
Messy. Very messy.
I tend to think that maybe, sometimes, it was really there. But I like to torture myself that way.
There was a passage in a book I read years ago--I swear it was written by either Tom Wolfe or Fran Lebowitz, which tells you all you need to know about my reading habits--describing the World's Greatest Living Artist, a decrepit bum, sitting in a cafeteria drinking water when the greatest idea ever imagined, the greatest artwork/passage/whatever drops into his brain. He dips his finger into his water and sketches the great idea out on a paper napkin, and dies as the sketch evaporates.

The older I get, the funnier-yet-more-true that scene becomes.
I wish I got direct ideas from my dreams. All I seem to get from my dreams is bizarre surrealistic sequences that I can only describe as Myst meets Resident Evil meets Tom Clancy.

They aren't Giger-esque night terrors, they're just plain freaking WEIRD. Probably the most sane and sensible (and tragic) dream I had was I dreamed I was in a video rental store (specifically one near our residence at that time) and in the dream mom told me she was going to go away forever someday. This was, like, 7 or so years before she passed away from cancer. =^(

And OTOH I have the kinds of dreams such as one where I'm an Arwing from the Star Fox games and I'm flying around on the inside of a cavern made from those Moon Walk things you always see at carnivals and fairs, and the cavern is slowly flooding.

I have a very vivid imagination.
I almost never remember my dreams. But I'm a habitual short sleeper--5 to 6 hours a night--and apparently that's a very common combination.
I frequently barely sleep at night. Most of the time I still feel amazingly perky the following day, but lately I've been feeling genuinely fatigued...

Clearing stuff out of my mind temporarily is a skill I think my biology prevents me from perfecting. ADHD + Asperger's = a constant insatiable need to keep myself occupied.
*mentally occupied
Seems logical!