it's a great life, if you don't weaken (matociquala) wrote,
it's a great life, if you don't weaken

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Food-taster to the internets.

I had the first three inches of my godzilla penis for breakfast this morning.

Those of you who have been following this blog for a while will recall that a few weeks ago, I discovered that my local Whole Paycheck had Monstera deliciosa fruit on sale. Now, Monstera deliciosa is better-known as the windowleaf or split-leaf philodendron and it's a popular tropical ornamental. It has lovely flowers, and I bet you have seen it in hotel lobbies.

But it also grows fruit.

Fruit that looks like a godzilla penis.

Okay, in fairness, perhaps a godzuki penis. But a pretty intimidating penis nonetheless. (The one I have here is about fourteen inches long and maybe four inches in diameter. And it's green. And covered in hexagonal honeycomb scales.)

Anyway, after some trepidation I bought one. Interestingly, they--like persimmons--cannot be eaten before they are totally ripe, because they contain oxalic acid. So what you do with them is put them on the counter and wait for the green scaly skin to fall off--which happens in stages--and then eat the fruit as it is exposed.

Well, I had been wondering if I got a dud, because it's been sitting there for days with no appreciable softening or cracking. And then I came out this morning and...

Brothers and sisters, it did not so much fall off as *explode*. There were little green scales all over the table, as it had peeled off in chunks and bits, and the fruit revealed was not at all what I has expected. It has kernels, in fact, and resembled nothing so much as a slimy ear of corn. But I am nothing if not courageous about new foodstuffs (although not as courageous as Steve of Steve Don't Eat It!) and so I fetched my butcher knife and sliced off the ripened portion of the... philodendron fruit.

(And actually, I suspect this explains the sudden presence of a group of fruit flies in my kitchen. They could smell it before I could, no doubt.)

I was surprised to discover that the resemblance to an ear of corn extends to the fruit having a hard, inedible cob. Food with superstructure! How can you go wrong? In any case, I cut off the self-peeled three inches and after some consideration, desided that it would be easiest to eat it like corn on the cob.

And you know, it was really very tasty. The texture of the kernels is a little like juice-soaked cotton swabs, but it's not, you know, disgusting (as those of us who have been on the lemon swab routine in friendly hospitals can attest) and the flavor is a very nice mild tropical flavor--sort of a creamy banana/strawberry blend.

I mean, it's not a ripe mango. But for entertainment value? Hard to beat.

If I start ranting about Yig, send a team. If you know what I mean.

Tags: bork! bork! bork!

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