My hearing is so keen as to catch the cries of surprise from the town when the moonlight puddles like mercury on the surface of the ocean and an enormous pillar of a neck rises up out of the waves, shedding glowing seawater. The form is translucent, seemingly wrought from starlight and air, but the wind of its gestures brushes my skin as it sways heavily from side to side, starlit eyes gleaming in its tendriled head.
Moonlight like mercury puddles on an ocean lain smooth. Faint cries ring from the docks. A pillar of neck rises, shedding glowing water, reeking of salt rot and ocean bottoms. It sways heavily, starlit eyes gleaming in a tendriled head--translucent, wrought of starlight and air, but the wind of its gestures brushes my skin.
The second one, as you can tell, has an absolute mess of useless verbiage snipped out, and its line of direction is improved as well.
Yes, dammit, I am getting better at this.
(I'm also revising to better catch a character voice, but that's neither here nor there. Also, no wonder this is taking for freaking ever.)
And, because I was wasting some time, I made an animated .gif of what the external portion of the editing process looks like. It's
It's not the writing. It's the revising, after all.